Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Sunshine

Tired.
So tired of snow.
So tired of scraping my windshield.
So tired of taking it easy on curves.
So tired.

God played a trick on me this morning.
Sunshine came dancing through my window
and landed on me, all snuggled up in my blankets.

I closed my eyes and traveled
not in space
but in time.
Summertime.

A lovely day.
I can get up
and walk through the grass
go swimming with my son
cook out on the grill
and the only ice
will be in my glass of lemonaide.

Some day soon.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Am I lost - or are you?

I was considering a statement shared with me the other day, because the sheer impact of it caused me to have such a strong reaction.

"I met so-in-so from your old church the other day. They said they knew you really well and that they really felt they lost you to your new church."

I was shocked to hear this statement, and was unable to have a very graceful reaction. Actually, I think I said something like, "Really? They said that? Wow, I never would have thought they'd say that. Well, it's a long story. A really long story."

Smooth, wasn't I? So I changed the subject asap and tried to brush it off.

I find that as soon as I make some serious steps towards healing over some of those old hurts - someone (usually unbenounced to them) pokes me in a tender spot. Never mind who said these words, never mind if I think they "knew" me at all, but the words associated with "lost" were too great a reminder of all the losses over the last few months. Not surprisingly - the word "lost" stuck with me.

I really don't want to rehash the past anymore. I've been praying for God to continue to heal my heart and help me to start over in challenging new opportunities, and I feel that the process of healing has begun. But then this little word "lost" causes my mind to spin with all the old memories. I was beginning to feel rather lost in the midst of all this flashing back, but in a moment of clarity the compass of my mind took another look at the words that were said.

"They lost you (me)." I didn't lose anything at all. They were the ones that "lost" someone.

Wow. After all the prayers, pleading and passion for our old church -- they were the ones that lost. They lost our gifts, our many hours of hard work, our interaction with staff and community and... well, us.

I still have my God, my family and my work. As challenging as it can be - God preserved the ministry opportunities and our security. God kept us from becoming or being lost.

There is a scripture that says something like this ... "things men intend to harm others with, God redeems for good."

I know that there are memories from our previous ministry that will always stay with me and those are things that will never be lost to me. God has worked out this whole situation -- and I know this is where I'm called for the present time. The only thing I want to lose is the strain I feel when people try to pull me back to the place I was a few months ago.
I've moved on. You've lost us. Let us go.

God has redeemed our lives for good, and that is what I want it to be. A good life.

Blind to the Bind

Sometimes I feel like I'm a character in a Stephen King novel or a David Lynch film. I've been doing lay ministry in my hometown, about 20 miles away from where I currently reside. I love my hometown. It's nestled down inside the Allegehany Mountains, which means it's pretty scenic no matter the season. But I just can't shake the feeling that a black cloud is hanging over the whole town. The shadows all seem deeper than I remember them. The chill seems to have more of an edge to it.

Lamont and I thought that our ministry in Jamestown had pretty much prepared us for anything, but we're amazed at the depths and complexity of the needs with which we're now faced. It just seems that everyone we meet is "at-risk" with either poverty, abuse, or mental health issues... or sometimes all three!

I worry about the kids growing up viewing these problems as "just the way life is" and not seeking an alternative, because they've never seen a viable one. It doesn't help that in the weekend paper that a local government employee was quoted as stating that "only 1 in 4 jobs require a college education." Now that's a great message to pass along to these kids!

When faced with such overwhelming problems, how do we know where to even start?

The first thing I do everyday -- even before I step out of bed -- is pick up the book Celtic Daily Prayer, a devotional/prayer guide compiled by the Northumbia Community at Lindisfarne. Today's reading said:

"Lord show us the things that are binding the work
You have called forth on Holy Island.
Help us to loose YOUR work,
and let it go
in resurrection power."

May that be the prayer in my little corner of the world, too.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Doctor Who - Rose

Well, the rumors are true... The premiere episode of the new Doctor Who series, Rose, has been leaked to the internet. I know, because I saw a copy over the weekend. After peeing myself from excitement, I thought I'd jot down my impressions...

The first thing you need to know about the premiere is that Russell T. Davies and company got it right on every single count. It will erase your memory of the Americanized Fox TV movie from 1996 and most of the episodes after Tom Baker left the show. It's still Doctor Who, but bigger. It's shot film-style with great production values and nice special effects. The characters are much better drawn than they ever were on the original series. But it retains the humor and the sense of absurd that made the original show so much fun to watch.

I wasn't sure how Christopher Eccleston was going to pull off the Doctor, but he won me over instantly in the premiere. Witty and very fun to watch -- somewhat like Tom Baker, but not quite as manic. From the moment he appears in the episode he is the Doctor.

There have been some very negative reviews of this episode popping up on the Ain't It Cool News website... All I can say is that some people get Doctor Who and some don't. One reviewer actually said something to the effect of "the show is too damned British!" Also, much has been read into Sci-Fi Channel's passing on the show... I'm going to say that they're going to regret this after the Hitchhiker movie comes out and creates a nice market for quirky British sci-fi...

Don't be mislead... Doctor Who is back!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Don't Just Do Something -- Sit There!

Just when insipid reality shows had almost convinced me to swear off TV forever, comes the news that my two favorite television shows are returing to the air, albeit in very different forms...

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are scheduled to pop up on the March 14 episode of ESPN Classic's Cheap Seats. It airs at 10 pm. This is their first appearence on TV since MST3K got cancelled in 1999. Here's hoping a revival of the show isn't far away!

Internet rumors abound that the first new episodes of Doctor Who in 16 years are set to premiere on the BBC on March 26. Let's hope that BBC America or Sci-Fi channel get these episodes stateside ASAP!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Quote of the Week: On Being "Real"

This week's quote was a short comment I came across on Sacred Space: "It is harder to live one sermon than to preach a dozen."

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Extra! Extra!

The oddest events can inspire a piece of writing. I guess this blog has been living proof of that. Last October, the gang here at Experiment House passed away an idle weekend by taking Enneagram Personality Tests. After confirming to ourselves that we are a rather strange bunch of tabby-cats, Mr.X and I got to joking about how it would be helpful it would be if there were personality tests specifically for church members... We sat down at the iBook and an hour or so later finished the piece "Enneagram Types for Church Members." Almost on a lark we sent it to the satire magazine The Wittenburg Door and were quite surprised to see it accepted. Although I've had hundreds of public relation pieces published over the years, this is the first piece I've written for fun to get published for profit. And it's the first piece of writing Mr. X has written for the general public that didn't involve a magic marker and a bathroom door...

Anyway, if you want to pay for the damaged wit you already get for free everyday in this blog, it appears in the March/April issue of The Wittenburg Door #198. It's carried at trendier stores like Borders, etc.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Serenity

For all the hype Lucasfilm is generating for Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith, I'm still much more looking forward to the modestly-budgeted Serenity... Browncoats rule!

Monday, February 21, 2005

The Key To (Wasting) Time

Well, my daughter and I completed our long-desired goal of the Doctor Who 500, meaning we watched all 26 episodes of the Key to Time DVD boxed set in one weekend. Our reflections?

1. While it is possible to watch that much television in one weekend, it is not recommended!
2. Tom Baker made that series. No matter how pathetic the special effects, no matter how wobbly the sets, no matter how bargain-basement the monsters looked, Baker elevated the show into something special. Good luck, Christopher Eccleston -- you've got your work cut out for you!
3. Fan favorites like The Ribos Operation and The Pirate Planet left us kind of cold.
4. Serials that were considered turkeys like The Androids of Tara rocked. The much-maligned Power of Kroll had us all quite engrossed -- I don't know where they shot it, but it was one of the few locations the series used that was actually believable as an alien planet rather than a quarry in England.
5. The only thing that got us through the plodding six-part Armageddon Factor was our desire to complete the marathon.
6. This is the season that the show began its slide into farce, and it's all the poorer for it. Let's see the Hinchcliffe/Holmes Era in season-by-season boxed sets!

The Doctor Who 500 is not an experiment that we plan on repeating anytime soon -- but then again, I just got a Mystery Science Theater 3000 boxed set yesterday for my birthday, so is anyone up for another marathon?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Quote of the Week

"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -- musician Lou Reed

Saturday, February 19, 2005

One Two Three Day Weekend

As I get older I find that I am having a harder time shaking the winter blues. I just want to feel the sunshine on my skin, the grass under my feet. I want to open the window for some fresh air. Some day I'm going to have to move out to the southwest.

With Lamont heading out of town for a retreat, the kids and I decided to spend our long weekend visiting my mom. No bringing work home, no comparing grad schools online, no agendas... Just a little time devoted to family, rest, and re-creation...

My daughter, H--, and I decided that this weekend was perfect for a pet project of ours we wanted to do for a long time: THE DOCTOR WHO 500. I can't remember how we coined the name, but the gist of it is that we're going to watch the whole 26 episode Key to Time DVD boxed set in one weekend. We've made it up to episode thirteen so far! Hey, it's important for a family to set and attain goals. Even if they're, well, kind of pointless...

I realize that we can't just watch TV all weekend. We discussed the need for alternate activities and chose eating. This isn't a hard activity to engage in at my mom's house. Although my mom is fit, trim and healthy and only shares her house with a cat and my niece who is hardly ever there, her kitchen is stocked as if she's waiting for Y2K and still wants to be able to throw a Superbowl party as the world slips back into the dark ages. We've already had chili, cornbread, peanut butter pie, french toast, sausage, hot wings, pepperoni balls, and cheeseburgers and we've only been here for twenty-four hours.

If this doesn't sound like a very productive use of time, well, it's not meant to be... My new job is going great, but the long commute on icy roads is killing me... I just decided to stop for a few days and chill out.

P.S. Does anyone say "chill out" any more? Or did that go out with Arsenio and no one told me?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Magnetic Personality

Now I've seen everything... On the way drive home from work this evening I passed an injury lawyer who had a magnetic sign stuck to his car. I wonder if F. Lee Bailey ever did that?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

It's Sunday

Praise God...

...for the gift of life
...for community
...for revelation!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Treasure of the Broken Land

I was listening to some old music this afternoon that I hadn't heard in ages. I came across Chagall Guevara's cover of Treasure of the Broken Land from the Mark Heard tribute CD. This recording is arguably Chagall's finest moment as a band, but even more than that the words really connected with me:

Treasure Of The Broken Land by Mark Heard

I see you now and then in dreams
Your voice sounds just like it used to
I know you better than I knew you then
All I can say is I love you

I thought our days were commonplace
Thought they would number in millions
Now there's only the aftertaste
Of circumstance that can't pass this way again

Treasure of the broken land
Parched earth, give up your captive ones
Waiting wind of Gabriel
Blow soon upon the hollow bones

I saw the city at its tortured worst
And you were outside the walls there
You were relieved of a lifelong thirst
I was dry at the fountain

I knew that you could see my shame
But you were eyeless and sparing
I awoke when you called my name
I felt the curtain tearing

I can melt the clock hands down
But only in my memory
Nobody gets the second chance
To be the friend they meant to be

I see you now and then in dreams
Your voice sounds just like it used to
I believe I will hear it again
God how I love you

Monday, February 07, 2005

Mission Accomplished!

Well, it took me twenty years, but my collection of Doctor Who is finally complete. Marvel Comics published a comic based on the BBC program when it was at the height of its stateside popularity in the mid-eighties. The comic didn't sell terribly well -- especially after Peter Davison replaced Tom Baker in the strips -- and it folded after a short two-year run. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I had the entire twenty-two issue run in mint condition.

I was browsing a comic price guide a few years later and discovered, much to my dismay, that Marvel had actually produced twenty-three issues. Rats. Over the years I would occasionally check comic shops for the elusive issue twenty-three, but nobody ever carries back issues of Doctor Who.

With the new series reviving my interest in all things Doctor Who, I decided to make an attempt at locating the issue via the internet. You know, before the new series appears and Doctor Who becomes the most popular thing ever, making the price of its collectibles go sky high... (Yeah, right...)

I found the issue on sale at Mile High Comics in Denver. Now, seven dollars poorer and a week later, the collection I began at aged 16 is complete just shy of my 37th birthday. Mission accomplished!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Nerd is the Word

Here's living proof that I am a 37 year-old nerd, based on my Friday evening:

1. Walked around all day with a 256 MB Flash Drive dangling from a lanyard around my neck.
2. Bought polybags at Books Galore in Erie.
3. Ate dinner alone...
4. ...at Bob Evans!
5. Watched my favorite 3 hours of television on BBC America: The Avengers, The Saint, and The Persuaders!
6. Read a Doctor Who graphic novel
7. Arranged my six-year collection of The Wittenburg Door in numerical order.

Looking back, it was a pretty good night!

P.S. I would have posted to the blog, too, but Lamont had the iBook with her.

Friday, February 04, 2005

The Parade of Life

The parade of life
Includes some strife
But isn’t limited to it.

The steps we take
May quiver and shake
But some we strongly make.

Our arms can fly
In our face
Or carry us to a
Better place.

Our feet can stall
And stall and stall
Or move with precision and determination.


The parade of life
Includes some strife
But isn’t limited to it.

(Note: I need to look for the possibilities, unstead of the limitations. Don't listen to the dream stealers!)

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The Fourth Estate Continues To Get More Impressive By The Day...

I watched 60 Minutes tonight because comic creator Stan Lee was on. Stan was whining about only making a million dollars a year off of his comic creations. But enough about that. The thing that really struck me was the wording of a question asked by the journalist:

"Do you feel like you got screwed?"

Is it just me or does that seem like a real casual way of speaking by a CBS newsman? Would that question have been worded the same way a few years ago? I doubt it. Here's my timeline of news speak with some speculation of where this increasing casualness will end up:

1985: "Do you feel that Marvel Comics has treated you fairly in regard to royalties owed you?"

2005: "Do you feel like you got screwed?"

2025: "F@ck#n' A! You dere b*tch or sumpin'?"

And I also predict that news anchors in the future will end all newscasts not with a "good night" but by flipping off the camera...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

We'll do your taxes, but we don't have that movie.

I went to the ever expanding Wal-Mart the other day to find H&R Block set up in the middle of the jewelry department. I couldn't help but wonder if the ladies working at the counter get a commission off of every person that spends a portion of their instant tax rebate on their vast array of average bling-bling. It's interesting to me that the larger Walmart grows the odder it's services become. Honestly, do you want financial advice from and individual sitting across from you while dazed shoppers pass by the triangle of metal mesh screen that's surrounded by end-caps overflowing with music-boxes on one side and fuzzy slippers on the other?

I'm just as bad as everyone else when it comes to going back to the big W to do my shopping basics. It's cheaper, it's all under one roof, but I recognize that buying my contacts there may be o.k. - but taxes... can you say "audit"?

It could be that all this aggression I'm feeling stems from the fact that the reason I went there, to pick up a DVD, failed while looking through miles of white, metal shelves and blue vested workers.

I caught the flick "City of Angels" on cable the other night when I had drank too much coffee too close to bedtime, and yes - I cried through the last twenty minutes of it. To be honest, I cried myself to sleep over the "saddest-ending-in-the-world!" That was a good flick. I wanted to watch it again. Maybe part of me wanted to make sure I hadn't gotten it wrong. Naw. I just wanted the emotional roller-coaster to call my own.

The guy behind the electronics counter said, "It's to old of a movie. We don't have it. Check at the mall or online. They'll have it there, I'm sure."

Ok, back up.

Comment 1:"It's to old of a movie."
First, "City of Angels" was made in 1998 - is that old? If you guys only carry films that are "New" then why is there a bin of old Abbot and Costello cut-outs sitting at the entrance of Electronics?

Comment 2: "We don't have it."
I don't think I've ever heard this one before. Walmart doesn't have everything. Really? I've been taking the "one stop shopping" line too seriously. Listen to me now world. Walmart doesn't sell everything there is to sell. What a revolution there would be if this secret gets out.

Comment 3: "Check at the mall or online. They'll have it there, I'm sure."
First, my item was too old. Second, they didn't have it. Now for the most astounding experience I've had while bargain shopping (besides being magically drawn to the clearance section of Kmart that was illuminated by a blue flashing light.)
I was told to buy it somewhere else.

Somewhere else? Mall, Internet...really? I knew that, but it just seemed so scary but freeing knowing that, I could look elsewhere for my DVD and the guy at Walmart had given me his blessing to go on with my crusade. I could go out the door, back to the comforts of my own home and the endless opportunities awaiting on the sea of internet shopping; or over to my local movie store - where the staff wears some kind of color coordinated identity wear - but there the color won't be blue.

I still haven't picked up my DVD. I think I may wait a while to see if I really liked it as much as I thought I did, before I take my entertainment crusade any further. That may be a good thing for me to remember the next time I go shopping at the big W. If they didn't have all those things I dump into my cart every week or so - would I buy them elsewhere, or would I live my life without them without any real difficulty? I know that it's a necessity to buy stuff like: toilet paper, shampoo, and dryer sheets; but all the things I think I need? Do I really? I think that I need to think more about this one.

As for H&R Block setting up in the middle of the big W, I think that is one department I'll avoid. There are some situations in life that you need to got to a specialized merchant, in order to receive the best service. You may see me digging through a discount bin for an "old" movie, but you won't see me cashing in my refund at a jewelry counter. Taxes are taxes, and there are no blue light specials or clearance sections in my accountants office.




A World of Bill Cullens

Andy Warhol once said, "In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." Well, my friend, the future is now. I channel surf around E! and VH1 and constantly ask myself, who in the world are all these people? Perhaps the excess of reality TV shows is resulting in a glut of instant celebrities... And it's not like we were really in need of any more. Did you know that it just occurred to me today that Karen Valentine and Sally Field are two entirely different people? Too many celebs competing for too little attention span...

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Born with an mp3 player in his hand...

N--, my eight year-old son, is in a play his elementary school is doing about John Henry. We've been practicing his lines every night for the last two weeks. The other night I started singing John Henry and he was amazed to find out that there was a song "about his play." We went up on the 'net tonight to record a version he could play for his class. I let him pick from a variety of recordings and he liked the Johnny Cash version best. Say what you like, the boy's got taste...

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Regarding all the tsunami coverage in the news... Can it truly be that both Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, self-appointed PR hacks for God, managed to make it through the media blitz without once making any insensitive, offensive, or just plain dumb statements that they had to retract later? This truly is a miracle!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Wittenburg Door

Can religion and humor co-exist? You betcha. Open The Wittenburg Door and wait to be smited.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Happy Anniversary

It has been exactly one year since the residents of Experiment House began this blog. We originally questioned if we had enough to say to actually maintain a blog, but here we are over 100,000 words later with no signs of stopping. So I thought it would be appropriate to take a look at where we've been with gratitude, and it is in that spirit that I present my own version of the Academy Awards -- The Bloscars...

MR. X'S BEST POSTING OF 2004: MORNING AT THE DMV
I was initially perplexed when Mr. X approached me about contributing to the blog, because he never mentioned that he was interested in writing in the ten years that I've known him. He quickly established himself as the most consistently humorous writer at Experiment House. He's funniest when he writes about the comedy of daily life and I think he was at his best with Morning at the DMV.

LAMONT'S BEST POSTING OF 2004: THE GIRL BEHIND THE SCREEN DOOR
This is the girl that kind of bucks the whole system and prefers poetry and heartfelt observations on life rather than the silliness than the rest of us spew out on a regular basis. And we love her for it. The Girl Behind The Screen Door is a fine piece of writing. This piece should be submitted for publication somewhere!

MISTEROBLIVIOUS' BEST POSTING OF 2004: TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT GEN-NEXT SERVICES
This guy is the pop culture king of Experiment House and I love his in-depth musings about music, television, and even cereal. I had a heck of a time singling out a favorite column, so I chose his top ten list for purely sentimental reasons: it was a laugh-out loud bit from an otherwise somber occasion...

OTHER BLOGGERS WHO WOULD MOST FIT INTO EXPERIMENT HOUSE:
TIE Michael Tyas of Life's a Journey and Sada of From The Mind of Sada. These guys are really on our wavelength, and I hope they take that as a compliment! Two high-quality blogs that are worth checking out on a regular basis! Both of them are from Ontario, too. Weird.

STRANGEST MOMENT OF 2004
Being contacted by the producers of ESPN's Cheap Seats after reading a glowing review of their show in this very blog.

NEATEST BYPRODUCT OF WRITING A BLOG
The improvement of writing skills that only happens by pluggin' away at a keyboard on a regular basis.

Well, that's it for the 2005 Bloscars. (Or is that 2004? I can never remember how those award things work.) 2004 was a year of extreme crisis, change and transition for me and I don't think I would have made it without the support of my friends at Experiment House and an outlet like the blog to express how I was feeling. Here's to 100,000 more words in 2005!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Remake Remodel

Is there a law that says Hollywood must remake everything?

The latest victim -- er property -- is The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

My tone probably suggests to you that I don't have high hopes for this project. You would be correct in that assumption.

Check out this quote by the director, Matthew Vaughn: "I've always wanted to make a spy movie, and our idea is like nothing you've ever seen before. The name is the only thing that's staying from the original show."

Is it just me or does it seem silly to make a movie based solely on the title of a 40 year-old TV show? I guess the studio could argue that the new project would have some name recognition, but honestly, U.N.C.L.E. isn't exactly one of syndication's great success stories. It just seems like this is a formula for failure -- give the movie a name that makes the uninitiated say huh? and a plot so removed from the original that you piss off its fans, i.e., the very people who would have been the first people in line on opening day.

MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD:

I would like to pitch a movie idea called THE DONNA REED SHOW. Donna Reed will not be in it, and that's not just because she died in 1986. No, it's rather because I envision the lead character played by a male albino midget. Oh yeah, and rather than being about the silly hijinx of a suburban family, THE DONNA REED SHOW -- THE MOTION PICTURE will instead be an erotic thriller set amidst the exciting backdrop of a round-the-world yacht race. I could really use the money, so please send me a movie contract.

Peace,
I.F.


P.S. Wait until you hear my treatment for I LOVE LUCY! (Hint: There isn't anyone in the cast with red hair!)

Monday, January 17, 2005

Dreams

I have a rather lengthy drive to work everyday, so I've quickly learned that audio books are the commuter's best friend. I recently listened to (and enjoyed) Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore. One thing I noticed about the book was that he would cite again and again his patients' dreams and provide analysis. This got me thinking: who really dreams like that? I mean, I dream once in a great while, and they usually turn out to just be crazy stuff like my Star Wars post a few days ago. I certainly never dream with the kind of detail and clarity that would allow someone like Mr. Moore to interpret it through Freudian Analysis or Archetypal Criticism.

Until I finished the book. Now I dream all the time. Here's my latest:

Lamont and I are working together in full-time ministry again. We're working at a huge megachurch that is a cross between Willow Creek, Oral Roberts University, and the 1964 New York World's Fair. It is our first day and a coworker is showing us around the sprawling campus. Every once in awhile he brings us into a room to meet our fellow pastors. These people all tend to come off like televangelists: big smiles, big hair and big ministries. In fact, their chapels tend to look a lot like TV studios. I remind myself to not judge by appearances -- that after all, the success of these people is undeniable by the number of people in attendance.

Our tour guide also takes us by other rooms that tend to have smaller-type ministries -- mainly liturgical-type stuff without as many people. This looks really interesting to me, but our tour guide isn't interested in introducing us. I'm also somewhat disturbed that all of these "ministries" are all church-related activities with nary a food pantry or practical help to be found. I mention this to my coworker, but he isn't interested in talking about it.

Finally, he takes us to the back yard of the church. It is a big field with old playground equipment. He tells us that our emerging church-type ministry is across the field and over the hill. My wife and I cross the field when we are pounced upon by lions and dinosaurs! We manage to tip over the sliding board, killing the t-rex that it falls on. We're exhausted, but we can't rest because the growling lions are approaching....

Gee, I don't have any issues, do I?

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Malfunction at the Junction

Well, it happened again... Yet another entertainment personality has had her boobs flop out in public. This time it was supermodel Naomi Campbell in Brazil. A few weeks ago it was alleged-actress Tara Reid, who gave photographers a unexpected peek at her (new improved) left boob. Just two recent examples of the wardrobe malfunction, a problem that is reaching gigantic proportions. No pun intended.

It's hard to believe that less than a year ago no one had ever heard the words wardrobe malfunction, let alone witnessed one. That all changed when 140 million television viewers watching Janet Jackson's Superbowl half-time show discovered just how chilly it was that night at the Houston Astrodome.

The thing that amazes me is that these malfunctions are continually happening to people who are beautiful as their chosen profession, just as some people flip burgers or fix cars as their profession. In other words, it is their job to be beautiful, and I assume that knowing how to wear clothes would at least be one of the branches in their knowledge tree. The reason I mention this is that I don't pay too much attention to what I'm wearing, and in all my 37 years my wardrobe has functioned just as it was intended. Sure, I've had the occasional open fly, but if that's usually my fault. Anyway, if my sale-rack Wal-Mart togs maintain my modesty on a regular basis, what's going on with these designer clothes? I assume that famous people's clothes are expensive and therefore of a very high quality. Perhaps the Beautiful People Union could go on strike until they could be assured by fashion designers that their clothes would be produced to a certain structural integrity. There could be sort of an ISO-9000 certification for the bustline...

The Wardrobe Malfunction. Some people say that it is the most perplexing problem facing modern man. Other people say it's the greatest blessing since the push-up bra. One thing's for certain: Scientists need to come up with a solution now, before the epidemic spreads to the general public. Have you seen some of those lard asses hovering around the sales racks at Wal-Mart lately?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I had a dream last evening that I attended a preview screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith in a grand old-fashioned cinema. I sat with S--, a childhood friend who now works in Hollywood, and misteroblivious, who doesn't. I remember saying "I can't believe I scored tickets to this," as the lights dimmed and the thick red velvet curtains parted, ala Moulin Rouge.

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH
(as dreamed by I.F.)


It quickly became apparent that this final installment of the Star Wars saga was going to be a low-budget affair: immediately after the text crawl at the beginning of the movie, the camera pans down to a starcruiser passing by. It is not computer generated -- it's obviously a plastic and cardboard model that lerches across the screen in a way that would make fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 proud. The audience greets this with laughter.

The camera zooms into the spaceship revealing dozens of storm troopers guarding a prison cell block. This looks half ways impressive until a stormtrooper falls over right before the shot cuts away, revealing that all the troopers are in reality vintage 1970s Kenner action figures. I gasp.

The movie cuts to the interior of the prison cell where all the good guys are being held captive. This is composed of the whole cast of all the Star Wars movies past and present, just like the cover of Vanity Fair, except everyone is in costume. Alec Guiness is there as BEN KENOBI, even though he's dead. He's standing right next to Ewan McGregor. JAR-JAR launches into one of his infantile comedy routines, and HAN SOLO (wearing the same costume from the original Star Wars) has had enough:

HAN: Shut your trap or I'll shut it for you!

LANDO CALRISSIAN (dressed in his cloud city clothes) tries to intervene.

LANDO: Hold on Han! Fighting amongst ourselves won't accomplish anything at a time like this!

HAN: I'll decide what I want to accomplish, you bitch!

HAN SOLO fires his laser blaster point blank into JAR-JAR's face. Blood and tripe sprays everywhere, as if this was the first Star Wars movie directed by George Romero.

There is silence in the movie theatre, except for the sound of a few children sobbing. I stand to my feet and begin clapping... It is a loud, defiant self-righteous clap that wouldn't be out of place in the soundtrack of a socially relevant sitcom like Good Times or Maude. I am eventually joined by two or three other people. But our claps suddenly stop when we see the action on screen: the goo that was once JAR-JAR's head melts away to reveal that JAR-JAR is really A ROBOT..!

And then I awake to the sound of Morning Edition on my clock radio.

THE END

Thursday, January 13, 2005

This movie truly was DYNAMITE...


Rented Napoleon Dynamite the other night. It was pretty much the funniest movie ever, to infinity. Go rent it now, gosh!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

That's Na Cho Cheese

Mr. X and his new girlfriend came over last night to watch a movie. We had even picked out what we were going to watch: The MST3K Essentials DVD. But we never got that far, because we heard the sweet siren's song of -- THE NACHO.

Step One: Go to the grocery store and blow a ton of money on nachos, Mexican cheese, sour cream, salsa, taco seasoning and ground beef.

Step Two: In the oven, melt the whole bag of cheese overtop the nachos.

Step Three: Cook the ground beef with the taco seasoning on the grill. (Mr. X and I managed to make this step last two and a half hours.)

Step Four: Pour the salsa over the cheesy chips, pour the sour cream over the salsa, and pour the ground beef over the whole thing. Be careful not to slobber on it.

Step Five: Everyone eat off the same pan. Don't stop eating until everyone is grotesquely overstuffed.

Step Six: Look at the clock to discover that it is now 10 pm. (We began this adventure at 7 pm.) Agree to skip the DVD.

These nachos were so good I felt like I had a hangover later. And then the next day -- Montezuma’s revenge. Today at work I finished using the bathroom minutes before my 11 am appointment showed up. As bad karma would have it, she had to use the restroom before we started. She came back a couple of minutes later concerned that there was a "heavy natural gas smell" in the back of the house. I told her that I would get the landlord right on it...

Now that's the measure of some good nachos!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Ug-Ug-Ug-Ug-Ug

I know that I've wasted too much of my life watching television when I read the following news headline:

OLIVE OIL MAY PROTECT AGAINST BREAST CANCER

And the first image that popped into my mind was:


Sunday, January 09, 2005

Sunday School, Sledding and Birthday cake.

What a fun day! It was a great day at church. I had a nice group for Sunday School. Although we did have a minor toenail injury while playing "Do You Love Your Neighbor?" After a couple of Band-Aids and a time out from some over zealous players, it all worked out alright.

Almost the whole back row of church was teens today, so refreshing after the expected holiday absence over Christmas and New Years. That's a good start for the new year.

Worship was good, the message was challenging, and the chili and cornbread we ate for lunch (that I made!) was really good after sitting a day to cure.

I had no idea how large the hill was (that some new friends from the church suggested we so sledding on); until I climbed to the top and felt like I was the next contestant on Fear Factor. I am proud to say - I overcame the mountain, or hill, rather. Up and down I went spinning out on foam sleds finished with slippery plastic. Honestly, I think I spent more time climbing and spinning than I did flying down the hill like the red baron. But, it was a blast - and it was free!

After all that, I was able to get together with family for a combined B-Day party for my Mom-in-law and myself. It was the best: chicken enchiladas, angel food cake, presents with my family.

It was a very busy day, and I think I'm going to feel all the hill climbing in morning; but it was a hill top day. I was able to experience so much in this day. Time with my family, church and God. It was the best birthday!

Meeza Thinks You Already Have

Film maker George Lucas has announced that after the release of his next Star Wars installment he's "...going to make movies nobody wants to see."

Didn't he already accomplish that goal with The Phantom Menace?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Eww - Ee - Ewwww - Weeee - Ewwww

That was my text-based imitation of the Doctor Who theme, by the way! The series is coming back after a sixteen-year absence and I can't wait! (Then again, maybe I'll have to wait because there haven't been any announcements yet regarding US distribution!)

Here's a cool pic I came across on the net:

Cool. A new sonic screwdriver. That emits light. ;)

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Snow Day is a Go Day!

My clock radio woke me up this morning to the news that virtually every school in the county is closed due to a crusty layer of ice that is covering, well, pretty much everything. Picture our county as a giant ice cream cone. Picture ice as that special dip Dairy Queen will put on for you. That's the picture.

So I've taken a personal day, rather than risk the commute. So instead of planning sessions, forms, and curriculum my day will be snowblower, salt, and shoveling. I may even sneak down to the barber (if he's open) for a long overdue haircut and a shave. It's Lamont's birthday, too! So hopefully the weather won't put too much of a damper on her party plans...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Groking in a Winter Blunderland

In the vast wasteland that we locals refer to as "Chautauqua Whine Country" we haven't had much of a winter yet. But I have already managed to drive the Matrix into a ditch twice so far. This morning I was only going about twenty miles an hour and the car slid into a ditch, almost sideways. Luckily, the car escaped without a scratch. After all, it just landed in a big pile of snow...

After work, I hopped in the car for my fifty-minute commute home and noticed that the steering wheel was really shaking when I went above 30 mph. So I took it straight to the garage to make a service appointment. The nice guy at the counter told me that snow or mud packed around the wheels could be what was causing the shaking, and I might as well go to the car wash and try an undercarriage wash first. Problem solved. Turns out that was the problem. And it only cost me $5 at the car wash versus $43/hr that the garage would have run me. Who says that there aren't any honest mechanics?

Local radio is bracing us for a wicked winter storm this evening. Said it before, will say it again: I gotta be insane to live in Western New York!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Cheap Seats Getting Cancelled? Not If I.F. Can Help It!

I admit it. I'm the black widow of TV viewers. It seems that whatever TV show interests me the most at the beginning of the fall season is usually history by January. Freaks and Geeks, Firefly -- gone, all gone. In a previous post back in September I gave my picks for my two favorite shows of the year: Drew Carey's Green Screen Show and Cheap Seats. Well, it's December and Drew is long gone and it looks like the Sklar Brothers might be the next casualty. I got this letter the other day from Jason Z. Weber, one of the producers of Cheap Seats:

"We just read your blog, now that Drew's show is gone we here at Cheap Seats are awaiting word on the canceling of our show.  Thanks for cursing us.  Actually ESPN Classic has been threatening to tinker with the format which would mean less commentary on old games and more studio stuff (possibly with an audience).  Like you, we enjoy the show in its current format.  Finding glowing posts about Cheap Seats on blogs like yours will help give us ammo to blow away the suits and keep the show the way it is."

I'm simply amazed that a show this funny hasn't the backing of its network, because Cheap Seats is one of the most original and funniest programs on television today. I came across the program by accident a few months ago and have hardly missed an episode since. Everyone at Experiment House watches, too. Lamont and I grew up in the generation where the Wide World of Sports was mandatory viewing, so it's hilarious to hear the Sklar's commentary over the video footage of those long ago Sunday afternoons. (I personally dream of the day they get ahold of the video of Evel Knievel's Snake River Canyon fiasco.)

It's somewhat remarkable that my favorite program of the year airs on ESPN Classic, because in twenty years of having cable television I have never watched any programming on any ESPN network before, even for five minutes. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the first time I watched Cheap Seats I had to consult my cable guide to see what channel 69 was! And I suspect that there are a lot of other viewers like me.

If you're a fan of the show you'd better drop the suits at ESPN a line before it's too late. If you've never seen Cheap Seats, check out their website, tune into ESPN Classic and then let the network know what you think!

Here's hoping that Cheap Seats will have a long life on cable TV and that it may even be released on DVD someday!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Twas The Night Before Christmas

The other day my daughter and I sat down as she had to rewrite a new version of "Twas the night before Christmas".
After about 30 minutes of our collaborating - we came up with what follows. So much of my time I hope that my children understand the importance of giving to others... and I think that my daughter really gets it after working on this poem together. Merry Christmas to all and peace on Earth! -- LAMONT

The Night Before Christmas
by
Heather and Mom

Twas’ the night before Christmas, no movement inside.
The bells had stopped ringing, the kettles filled high.
The vans were parked and covered with snow,
empty of toys, from tip-top to low.
The workers had ceased from their scatter and scurry,
to spend time with their families and eat lots of turkey.
The pastors so weary, delirious and drained,
fell asleep on their sofas dreaming about all that was arranged.
Gathering wealth to give to the poor,
spending morning to night at the 24/7 Corps.
From hanging the greens and putting up trees,
preparing Christmas dinner and singing on Christmas Eve.
So many people came through the doors, receiving what they need – but giving much more.
Everyone is welcome, no matter his or her place,
to become part of a family held together by grace.
The work, for now, has been completed,
until the next time our help is needed.
Heart to God and hand to man,
if anyone can help make Christmas, the Salvation Army can.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

One month in puzzles

It will be our fourth Sunday at the new Church tomorrow. This month has been an enigma to me. Yes, I actually used the word enigma. How about puzzle, or something of the like. I don't know if you like puzzles, but maybe you can relate to the feelings associated with cleaning off the cluttered kitchen table, bringing the 1000 piece puzzle out of the closet ( or the blue wal-mart bag you just carried into the house.), opening the cardboard box with a butter knife, prying the box open hoping not to mess up the picture lid, and dumping the pieces out - flipping them over -trying to find all the edge pieces.

Yup. This is the enigma of my new life: Excitement, fear, idealism, skepticism, confidence, being unsure, chasing ghosts of the past, imagining the possibility of the future. This is my enigmatic, puzzle life.

This month I have:

Said good-bye to the people that were the closest to me.
Said hello to some of the old and to many of the new people in my life.
Watched my family grieve over many losses,
but laugh together in many happy gains.
Been hurt by my expectations of a few.
Been encouraged by the love and faith others have in me.
Forgotten some the the short-cuts on my old pick-up routes.
Learned the new pick up route and when to drive past the schools ( and when not to.)
Felt totally out-of-place in my old home town.
Felt totally at-home in my old home town.
Prayed for all of my old friends and coworkers.
Prayed with some of the youth and members of the new church and learned how I can begin to pray for my coworkers.
Grieved over the loss of a ministry, the anniversary of my Grandpap and Annie (my old band-mate) deaths.
Rejoiced with others in the new ministry at a community Thanksgiving Dinner, laughed with my son on his 8th birthday and been blessed by the time I now have to spend with my husband, daughter and son.

It's been a busy month.

Open my eyes to the beauty around me, loosen my joy and allow it to come out in my voice so that it can make every jig-sawed corner fit in the way and time it is intended. This puzzle doesn't need to be completed today - I need to allow
God to help me look for the hope in all circumstances, and not allow the scars of the past to keep me from enjoying each piece of the puzzle.

Concentration Cramp

So Mr. X and I are going to have a piece published in a magazine with national circulation. It's weird to think in a couple of months that people will check their mailboxes or walk out of their neighborhood Borders or Barnes and Noble and read our article in The Door Magazine. If that isn't enough, we'll also get a check from the publisher.

Thousands of people reading our work.

An editor liking what we wrote so much that he's going to pay us cash money for it.

You gotta admit -- those are two pretty damn good incentives to write.

So how come I've sat at the keyboard all afternoon and haven't been able to come up with one simple blog post?

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

We got in THE DOOR!!!

Never let it be said that blogging is an idle waste of time. It's a great way to keep in the habit of writing and to hone your skills. Mr. X and I recently put our creativity to good use and came up with "Enneagram Personality Types For Churches", a satire piece that has been accepted for publication in The Door Magazine! We get paid and everything! The Door has been around since 1971 and bills itself as "the world's pretty much only religious satire magazine." I've been a fan since 1986, when it's no-holds-barred humor about the church blew my eighteen year-old mind!

I wonder if Gilbert and Sullivan started this way?

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Welcome to Town

I set up the office for my after school program this week. It's really been a big help to actually be on site in the village -- I'm getting to know a lot of people and find out a lot of helpful things I need to know to make the program successful. The downside of moving in this week was that it didn't leave me enough time to complete a presentation I need to make this Monday morning. So I found myself working today -- Saturday -- to get it done. My daughter, H--, came along with me because she wanted to scope out the village and see my office. I got the presentation done in plenty of time and ended the day narrating the Christmas musical for the village choir. Well, if I had to work a Saturday, at least it was a productive and pleasant one!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

And You Thought Scary Movies Only Came Out At Halloween...

Everyone's talking about Saw, which is suppossed to be really scary. But I think I just caught a few minutes of the most horrifying thing ever on the Family Channel of all places: a computer generated sequel to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD: HANDS OFF MY CHILDHOOD!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Quote of the Week: Happily Ever After

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -- Carl Bard

Saturday, November 27, 2004

It's the Bomb

Unos, dos, tres, catorce!

And I ain't talking about Wooly Booly.

I got a nice surprise in my mailbox today -- the latest U2 album, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. I've been a big fan of this band since junior high school when my cool mom bought me Boy, October, and War for Christmas -- maybe the same year I got a Sony Walkman! In fact, Lamont and I went on our first date to a screening of Rattle and Hum sixteen years ago this month!

I've been eagerly looking forward to listening to the new album since first hearing the frenetic single, Vertigo. I'm a huge fan of their last album, All That You Can't Leave Behind, and it's doubtful that more than a week has gone by since 2000 that I haven't listened to it. How could U2 possibly equal that effort?

The simple fact is that they didn't equal it, they surpassed it. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb may actually be the best thing the Irish band has done since 1983's War, no faint praise. The electronica of the last few albums has been traded in for big, punchy songs with classic Edge guitar riffs. Standout tracks among some stiff competition include:
  • Vertigo, which everyone has heard by now

  • Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own

  • Love and Peace or Else, which finds U2 in garage-band mode

  • All Because of You, which sounds like it could have been on Achtung Baby

  • A Man and A Woman

Who would have ever thought a band I listened to in junior high would still be making relevant music a quarter of a century later? How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb will no doubt be one of my favorite albums for some time to come!

Friday, November 26, 2004

Two-Way Stretch

I'm always up for something different in regards to film, so I picked up Two-Way Stretch from the Prendergast Library the other night. It was a rare opportunity to see Peter Sellers before he became an international movie star in films like The Pink Panther and Doctor Strangelove.

Sellers plays Dodger Lane, a prison inmate who does a much better job of running Huntleigh Prison than the governor or the head guard. There are no end to the scams that go on right under the nose of the authorities, such as inmate-mentored rehabilition classes which do more to instruct in thievery than any job trade. Dodger's plans go awry with the retirement of the kindly (and someone dim) head guard and the appointment of Chief P.O. Sidney "Sour" Crout who gives new meaning to the description hard-ass. Wilfred Hyde-White plays Soapy Stevens, Dodger's old crime boss on the outside who convinces Dodger and his gang to perform one more heist before they're released from prison. After all, they'd have the perfect alibi...

Two-Way Stretch is a perfect example of old-style British comedy -- meaning that you can expect to see more gentle humor than slapstick on display. It's worth a look.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving

"O Lord, everybody's home,
eating, drinking,
breathing in the Lord.
Now rejoice: the family's all together."

-- a traditional grace from Celtic Daily Prayer

Monday, November 22, 2004

Let's Get Physical

I thought I would capitalize on my newly-rediscovered love of life and get back into my exercise program. So I rode my exercise bike for a half-hour. Then I celebrated with a Coke and a Kit-Kat.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Random Rumblings

So Lamont and I got new jobs and a new church all in the same week. As much as everything my psych class taught me about the stresses of transition, I was really surprised this week at how smoothly everything went. I guess I had been under such a black cloud this last year that when it finally lifted it was almost a shock to remember what it felt like feel good. In fact, I went for my yearly physical on Thursday and my doctor actually had to check his notes to make sure that he hadn't prescribed me blood pressure medication when I saw him last August. There was actually that much of a change for the better! (Isn't it incredible that a poor workplace can have that much of an affect on one's health? Scary!)

I was aked to do "a witness" this morning in this morning's meeting. (A witness is a short personal talk about some aspect of being a Christian.) It wasn't what I would have preferred to do my first week at a new church -- I'd rather give it some time getting to know the existing congregation and all -- but as a former (!) pastor I know what a chore it can be to get people to participate sometimes. And anyway, as it turned out the people all seemed happy enough to see some new faces at the church. I mumbled a bit about how I made the transition from religion to that mysterious awareness of God -- the AHA moment -- and people seemed to see a connection between the story of their lives and mine. Maybe that was the best way for us to all get to know each other.

Life is good. We all need reminded of that sometimes, especially during the Christmas season when commercials incessantly remind us of what we lack! Oftentimes Christians with our "sky is falling" mentality and continual emphasis upon human weakness need this message the most of all.

I grew up in an era where the church thought it had it all figured out, as if life were an equation to be solved instead of an experience to be shared. That kind of thinking kept us good church goin' folk in line, but it didn't exactly lead to the richest lives.

It seems like the farther I walk along this road the less certain I am about everything. That would have scared the crap out of me as a kid, because all the "strong Christians" always seemed so certain about everything. But then again, many of them carried a certain sadness around and seemed to live from church service to church service, much like a junkie is always looking for the next fix. But I'm beginning to enjoy stumbling around in, if not the outright darkness, a thick fog at least, following the Christ as best I can. Not knowing where I'm going at least allows me the joy of discovery.

"And God saw that it was good."

This last week I saw a lot of good:

Laughing myself silly with my son is good.

Working a new challenging job is good.

Praying the Daily Office is good.

Watching MST3K with with K-- and D-- is good.

Listening to books on CD during the commute is good.

Eating dinner with the family is good.

Feeling the cool air after a rain shower is good.

Playing fetch with the dog is good.

Reading A Generous Orthodoxy is good.

Seeing old friends at church is good.

Four plates at Chinese buffet is very good. And a new personal record!

Monday, November 15, 2004

My new start

I wasn't sure what to expect in my new job's first day. Maybe paperwork. Maybe setting up my desk/office. But I never expected to be thrown into transporting volunteers, setting up donation sites, and having the companies van keys (and van) handed over to me within the first half hour. Talk about instant empowerment.

I met some people, drove around and checked in the donation sites a few times, had tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch - free, and was hugged and kissed by a total stranger. Another person I met promised me a guarantee of laughter whenever I needed it, specially provided by his funny conversation and happy demeanor. Who says small towns aren't friendly!

On Wednesday, I may begin to set up my office and other typical new job activities. But it was great to be able to chat with my new boss as he showed me around the town and drive around a enjoy the sunshine and new people. I had time to think and absorb the last few days of emotional overload. It was fun.

Oh my goodness. Work was fun!

To top it all off, I chatted with an old friend who is also looking for some new work. In spite of her recent efforts, no new prospects have turned up. Until Saturday. She got a call. She has an interview. It's something she would really enjoy.

Go for it girl. Although life changes and makes us uncomfortable, the uncomfortableness may be a way of pushing us beyond our "I hate this but I know this" zone.

I hope that from now on, I remember how God can work through painful circumstances to bring about something totally unexpected,,, happiness and freedom.

How's that for a surprise begining. Peace.

Day One

Today was my first "real" day at my new job. Starting an afterschool program from scratch is such a big challenge. It seems like everything I have to do between now and January is an equally critical task. And to tell you the truth, I couldn't be more happier about it! The last year at the church was an exercise in futility. Despite the great results we were seeing in the young people, it was obvious that the senior pastor had already set his mind on shutting this work down. After spending the better part of the last year "waiting for the axe to fall" at the church, it's great to have a big task to sink my teeth into. This new job is just what the doctor ordered!

Sunday, November 14, 2004

24 hours later

Our last Sunday service was one I will never forget. All of my closest friends, coworkers and family were all in one place to worship God and to say good bye to almost a decade of living, breathing and working in ministry together. I'm often uncomfortable when people give me compliments, and today was no different. When the congregation stood to salute and applaud us for our efforts over the years - I became a sobbing reflection of gratitude and affection. I love these people so. I no longer felt embarrassed by their statements - I was proud to know God had worked in their lives through our small human efforts.

There are some that will be happy that we won't be there next week to hold services. They look at what we were intended to be and complain about segregation and age division. But this perspective comes from those who never even darkened our door to see what it was all about. We are a kind of family that they will never experience as long as they continue to look at fellow christians with an us or them attitude. It's impossible to help others understand something like Gen-Next if they don't have a heart to look past things like age, gender, social status and many of the other notions that confuse the real picture. It was a place where we all could share our thoughts, hopes, dreams and desires to live godly lives. More than any other place I've been, the people there accepted everyone as they were. However, we wouldn't tolerate the tearing down of each other. Each person's life was and continues to be precious and loved by God. We honestly watched each other's backs. What a precious gift this has been. We even earned the label of being considered the "Emergent Church", by a divisional representative that attended the service. Too bad they started to understand what we were, only to close us down.

We all entered that place wanting to find a place to belong and to help out, and we emerge from that church basement a loving, God-chasing family.

No matter where we find ourselves - we will emerge into the world. We will challenge those that see people as either "church folk" or "dammed-to-hell-sinners". We will love everyone the same. We won't count how many times our coworkers cuss or complain about how much time they get for smoke breaks. We will be standing out in the cold air with them while listening to their struggles and trying to be the best friends we can. Loving others in Christ's name - that was our goal and I think we achieved it. We will continue reach out in love, even though there will be those that can't see why.

Emerge into the world with the love of Christ - begin to see how much could change if we did that every day. Love our families, coworkers, and yes even our enemies. They can't see it because they are sitting in a cold dark room with no light. There are those that a blinded by the brightness of acceptance and love. They need to be reconditioned to see things in the light of day. Night vision leads to isolation and seclusion. You can really miss things when you stumble around in the dark.

Come out into the light. You were one children of darkenss...but you have been called out .... you are now children of the light. Let your light shine.

The Thin Places

I reached a milestone this week. I actually cleaned my office. It took my quitting to finally motivate me to do it, but whatever works, right? It’s funny the found objects you come across during an overdue cleaning. Sometimes the simplest things can conjure up the most vivid of memories: an old bulletin, some photographs, a book, a birthday card. “Do you remember this?” was something Lamont and I said quite often to each other these last few days.

This Irish sometimes speak of “the thin places.” That’s how they describe those holy places where they feel like the veil separating heaven and earth is at it thinnest. I think that it’s appropriate that we’re down here in the basement this morning, because this room is significant in the history of church. In it we’ve prayed and played. We’ve celebrated birthdays and celebrated Christ. We’ve seen lives mended and the occasional piece of furniture broken. We’ve shared food and more importantly, we’ve shared our very lives in this thin space. If these walls could speak…

Eight years ago, L-- cornered me and asked me if I would help him with youth group. I thanked him for asking me but quickly added that I wasn’t really didn’t like young people that much and couldn’t imagine what I could do. Well, he persisted, and my wife and I found ourselves in this room for Reality: Live every Friday night. A year or two later he had to go on a conference one Friday and scheduled me for the devotional. I tried to convince him to cancel the meeting because I couldn’t possibly stand up in front of people and talk! But despite my best efforts to sabotage the schedule I found myself giving a ten-minute talk to ten high school students. The building didn’t cave in or anything.

I guess I’m not much of a prophet. And maybe that’s a good thing. A friend of mine once said that if God had handed him a roadmap to his life and ministry when he was a young man he probably wouldn’t have had the courage to get out of bed, much less fulfill his destiny! Jesus’ friends once caught a glimpse of the future and it ended up creating more questions than answers.

Some of his disciples were remarking about how the temple was adorned with beautiful stones and with gifts dedicated to God. But Jesus said, "As for what you see here, the time will come when not one stone will be left on another; every one of them will be thrown down." (Luke 21: 5 – 6)

Have you ever had one of those moments where the rug was pulled out from under you? Maybe it was a boss saying you’re fired, or a lover saying I’m moving out, or a doctor saying that the test came back positive. In just one sentence, all security is gone and a dozen questions about the future come bubbling up to the surface. That’s how the disciples would have felt when Jesus casually mentions that the temple is coming down like a house of cards. The temple, after all, was the center of Jewish religious life. Actually, it was more than that—it was the very symbol of their national identity.

I suppose that the shock hit them on two different levels. First, there was the spiritual matter—if God’s temple could be reduced to rubble, where would that leave God? Their other concern would be of a much more earthly nature: how will we be a nation without the temple? The disciples would have learned as children that the first temple—the one Solomon built—had been destroyed in a foreign invasion hundreds of years earlier. If that weren’t bad enough, at that same time their ancestors had been carted off into slavery. So Jesus’ casual remark would have been terribly disturbing to people already jittery from the Roman chokehold on their country.

"Teacher," they asked, "when will these things happen? And what will be the sign that they are about to take place?" (Luke 21: 7)

We ask that same question today. We ask it when we read a Left Behind novel, we ask it when we read our morning horoscope, we ask it when we watch commentators on television give their opinions on international events. The radio this morning told me that I need to be worried about terrorism, the economy, household chemicals, and eating too much red meat. It’s no wonder that we muddle through our lives of quiet desperation looking to something—anything—that offers some reasurence.

He replied: "Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and, 'The time is near.' Do not follow them. When you hear of wars and revolutions, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away. Then he said to them: "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.” (Luke 21: 8 – 11)

I find it interesting that no matter what culture or religion, the End Times always comes out looking like an Irwin Allen disaster movie. But wars, revolutions, and disasters have always been and are very much part of the story of mankind. Jesus tells his disciples not to be frightened about these, which I think is a lot easier said than done. What Jesus is much more concerned about is that his friends might be deceived by false teachers who would take advantage of their anxiety. It’s a very real threat. Throughout history, there are examples of people who were convinced that the world was coming to an imminent end who sold their possessions, quit their jobs, and basically became useless to anyone.

Books and movies about the End Times are big business right now. And I’m not sure if that’s a positive trend. Do we allow an end times theology to justify our disengagement with the very present troubles of this world—hunger, the environment, people who don’t know Christ—because, after all, there’s no point because we’re not going to be here much longer anyway? Christians argue about the timing of the Great Tribulation when there are people all around us snared in their own very present tribulations.

"But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. This will result in your being witnesses to them. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. By standing firm you will gain life. (Luke 21: 12 – 19)

At this point the disciples probably wished that they hadn’t brought up the subject of the temple in the first place. Jesus tells them that because of their association with him, they will be harassed and betrayed by just about everyone. And he tells them to do something that I think must have come as a surprise to his friends. Instead of telling them to take a hint and head for the hills, he instructs them to “stay the course” because it’s only by doing so that they’ll really experience a life worth living.

That day Jesus described this to his friends using words. Just a few days later Jesus demonstrated it with his life. His fans decided his fifteen minutes of fame was up and turned against him. He was the victim of a religious hierarchy out of control and an indifferent government. Stripped of all human dignity, abused and beaten, and finally nailed to two pieces of wood in a public execution, Jesus did something remarkable: he took the worst of what the dark magic of the human heart can conjure—all the rage, and bloodlust, and fear, and prejudice, and indifference—and rejected it. In fact, he rejected the very notion of death itself.

The dark forces of this world hated Jesus—they crucified him. And as his followers, we find ourselves enmeshed in the same kind of conflicts both great and small. But we have the wonderful promise that the Christ is with us, even in those moments that when we’re being hit the hardest or feel the most inadequate. And that is enough.

You don’t need to buy a paperback to find out about Christ’s coming. Just move out among the people you know with compassion and love and you’ll be surprised to see Christ there among them. I’ve been amazed to see Christ show up in the strangest places. He’s been there at the hospital in the maternity ward and the terminal ward. He’s walked around the woods with young people at Camp Longpoint. He’s pulled a chair up at the table at Applebee’s during after youth group snacks. He’s been there in our conversation and our volunteer activities. He’s here this morning in a “thin place” that looks like a dinghy church basement. And for the last five years he’s been at work in a unique, special group of people who called themselves Gen-Next.

Now it's my turn

Saturday night, almost 2 am and I can't sleep due to the mangled mess of thoughts and feelings running through my entire being. I ordered the sandwich tray for our farewell tomorrow - but I forgot to pick it up. That will have to wait for the morning. I did a last minute letter project with special scissors and paper punches, all because I really felt a need to "give" something more to the people from our almost immediately closing church. I wanted to use the hands I have for one more chance to express God's love for each one of them. Our love for them. This hurts so much.

All these people have been such an important part of our lives for almost ten years. I. F. and I have been married for twelve. This has been my second longest commitment of my life - and I have to let it go. Let it go.

Where does it go to anyway? I will stay in touch with everyone the best I can, but I worry that schedule differences, physical distance and the passage of time will just take it all away. Everyone and everything will just go.... away.

I am beginning to look forward. I'm excited about the new ministry position I start on Monday at my new church. Some of the people I already know, I think that I will be happily surprised by the sameness I'll find there.

But the anger over this loss, the process of grieving continues inside as I try to look forward. It's hard to see clearly when you're looking through tear filled eyes.

My Grandpap died almost exactly one year ago this month. The feelings I had about his passing are rather like how I'm feeling today. I know that it's time for me to move on, just like it was time for my Grandpap to move beyond his 93 years of age on this earth. The memories of this church keep catching me off guard. I see or smell something and it reminds me of a photo relay I did with youth group or a fundraising dinner with all its stress, laughter and fun.

Tomorrow morning after service is over, the members of our congregation will be putting on a tureen dinner for our farewell. This next 24 hours will build more memories of tears, laughter, food, prayer and thankfulness for having the opportunity of getting to know and love each other. I am a blessed person and I know that blessing isn't going to stop when I leave the building for the last time tomorrow. It's just hard knowing that I won't have to key to enter this place, let others in, and make them feel welcome in God's name.

Monday I will get a new set of keys and the new people that come with them. Help me God to love them as I did the others. Maybe just maybe - I can love the new ones more because of what all the others have taught me. Thank you my friends, for giving me the honor of teaching, learning, praying, playing, saying hello and saying good bye.

One year ago my Grandpap's last words to me were, "Keep working till Jesus comes." I thought it was a little strange of him to say, but maybe he had a glimpse of the year I had ahead of me. This year has been one that required me to trust God more than any other before. This year has been about new starts and odd endings. I think I will let go of the hurt, but hold on to the love. God has watched over me and my family and I know he go's with me, no matter what keys I have in my pocket. That is enough for me to go on.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Wrapping It Up

Lamont and I did our last youth group last night. We just messed around in the gym and played board games and stuff like that. We all went to Applebees afterwards to hang out. It was a lot of fun, but I couldn't help feeling sad because it was the last time we'd all be together as a group. Dropoffs were especially hard. Usually a kid will just run into a house with a quick see ya later, but last night everyone had to linger a little bit before going in. They will never be far from our thoughts or prayers.

I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day in the office. I think I still have a week's worth of work left! I have to hand in my charge cards, keys, and fill out assorted paper work. I know it will all get done somehow and just need to stop fretting about it and hit the sack. (I'm still not satisfied with my sermon -- which probably has more to do with my state of mind than the actual message -- but I think I'll just wait until Satuday to revise it.)

Monday, November 08, 2004

Orientation Elation

I had my orientation for my new job today, even though I'm not officially finished with my current job until this Sunday. (I switched around my day off.) Even though most of the day was the standard first day activities -- I.D. badges, orientation, insurance plans, and tax forms -- I found myself getting more and more excited. I have a new job! I met with my boss after the orientation and talked about launching the new program by January 3rd. It's a gargantuan task, but I'm ready to get this thing of the ground! It's going to be such a help to kids and their families in a rural community.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Everyone Says I Love You

In a status-driven society, people do all kinds of things to make an impression: live in a certain neighborhood, drive a particular car, choose one university over another… But did you know that some people are still interested in making the right impression even after they’ve died? I was browsing a website of a company that is a funeral home and cemetery for the rich and famous of California. A funeral there should only put you back thirty or forty thousand dollars. They pay attention to every detail and give you all kinds of options to make sure that you go out in style.

For instance, why settle for a regular coffin when you can get laid to rest in that Cadillac of Coffins, The Monticello—showcasing a dark, polished walnut exterior and a luxurious velvet interior—a bargain at only $14,000. For additional fees, they can provide a motorcycle escort, release doves, or even make a video of your life that plays in a TV built into your headstone! Some people really know how to make an exit!

Say what you want about Jesus, but he was a guy knew how to make an entrance. After some time spent traveling throughout Palestine and the surrounding countryside, Jesus and his disciples entered Jerusalem in grand style for the Passover, with crowds of people lining the streets shouting save us, save us! You’re sent by God! If that wasn’t enough to get the religious leaders beside themselves, Jesus actually went into the temple and started a riot at the concession stand and dealers tables.

Although this act was an affront to all the religious authorities, one group in particular would have been especially offended. They were called the Sadducees. Whereas the Pharisees were obsessed with people’s behavior, the Sadducees were all about observances at the temple and the sacrifice system that was so important to the Jewish religion. To them, a self-appointed rabbi arguing with a bunch of Pharisees out in the country was one thing, but marching around the temple like he owned the place was quite another! So they decided to humilate Jesus by way of a public debate.

Every religious group has its own distinctive. The Sadducees believed that only Holy Scripture was the Torah—for us today that would be the first five books in the Bible. So everything that they thought about religion had to be backed up by those books. For instance, since they didn’t read anything in the Torah about life-after-death, they didn’t believe in it. So that’s what they decided to debate Jesus about. I imagine that this would have served two purposes. First, by getting Jesus to “go on record” about the resurrection would have squelched any popularity this guy would have had with their sect. Secondly, they could point out how ridiculous the whole idea of life-after-death was and maybe win some people over to their way of thinking.

Some of the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Jesus with a question. “Teacher,” they said, “Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and have children for his brother.” Luke 20: 27 - 28

Women had no power in ancient times. When a woman was widowed, the property didn’t go to her. It transferred to her eldest son. So if a man died without fathering a son, it was up to his brother to provide the family with one. That whole idea sounds crazy to 21st century ears, but the point was that the dead man’s name and inheritance would carry on.

In a strange way, it’s similar to millionaires who donate money to build libraries and theatres on the condition that it’s named after them. They may be gone, but their legacy lives on. Maybe it reflects mankind’s longing for immortality.

Most scholars say that by Jesus’ day it was pretty doubtful that anyone still observed this practice. So why would the Sadducees ask Jesus about this if what they really wanted to talk about was the resurrection? Simply because they’re trying to frame the issue before they ask the real question. The Sadducees continue on:

Now there were seven brothers. The first one married a woman and died childless. The second and then the third married her, and in the same way the seven died, leaving no children. Finally, the woman died too. Now then, at the resurrection whose wife will she be, since the seven were married to her?” Luke 20: 29 - 33

This would be like walking up to Billy Graham and saying, Doctor Graham—is it true that God can do anything? If so, could he make a rock so heavy that even he couldn’t lift it? There must have been some proud Sadducees there, thinking that this was a sure-fire conundrum that was sure to leave even Jesus speechless.

Jesus doesn’t get bogged down in this nonsense and cuts to the chase:

Jesus replied, “The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in that age and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God's children, since they are children of the resurrection. But in the account of the bush, even Moses showed that the dead rise, for he calls the Lord ‘the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.’ He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive.” Luke 20: 34 - 38

Since the Sadducees only believed the five books of Moses, Jesus answers them about life-after-death by quoting something from the second book. The NIV Bible translation doesn’t do a great job on this scripture, but the gist is that God IS the God of the long-gone from this earth Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, not WAS the God. He showed that the resurrection could be found in the Torah, it just required a little bit of digging to get to it.

What Jesus did is something that we need to do, too. Occasionally you will come across people in the church who pride themselves on being black and white thinkers, which I always find odd because life demands that we be creative in our thinking and complex in our understanding if we’re going to survive. It was only a hundred-and-fifty years ago in this country that many Christians believed that the Bible condoned slavery. “It mentions slavery. It talks about guidelines for owning slaves. That must mean it’s OK, right?” Now there was another group of Christians, called the Quakers, who dug a little bit deeper and asked themselves questions about the nature and character of God and mankind, and saw that slavery in the Bible and slavery as it was practiced in their day were two radically different things. We owe much of the abolishionist movement to the Quakers not settling for the easy answer.

Most passages in the Bible are pretty self-explanatory. The meaning of do not commit adultery is pretty obvious. But there are other passages where we can miss the point entirely if we just read them with 21st century eyes. That’s why a commentary is such a good investment for our Bible study. Sometimes we need to understand what something meant historically before we can unlock the meaning for us today. Dig deep.

The bit about marriage is probably one of the most troubling bits of scripture for some people. Like the Sadducees, it is hard for us to imagine a future that isn’t defined by what we understand about the present. Ask anyone on the street about the purpose of marriage and I guarantee that they’ll say something about love. But to the Hebrews, marriage was very much about passing on your lineage and managing your resources. That sounds a little bit harsh and very much unromantic, but go take Sociology 101 at any college and the professor will tell you much the same thing during the unit on marriage and family life. It’s easy to get distracted by the bit about marriage and miss out on what Christ is really trying to illustrate about the resurection life. Christ describes a future where our family name isn’t that important, because we’ll be the ones that live on. And no one’s security and provision will be based on family ties, be we will all be part of one big family that belongs to God. It’s an awesome promise that often gets overlooked in one of the more shocking passages of scripture. It’s doubtful that the Sadducees paid enough attention to even comprehend what he was saying.

And are we really that much different today? We can obsess about our behavior and measuring up just like the Pharisees. We can make sure that we’re following tradition, dotting every i and crossing every t, just like the Sadducees. We build religious monuments and create legacies unto ourselves just to prove that we can make the cut.

And in the midst of the religious frenzy and the spiritual one-upmanship stands the Christ with his arms open wide, ignored in our frantic efforts to measure up, saying: See how much you matter to me?

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Not Your Typical Jim Carrey Movie...

...And thank goodness for that! We had a smaller group of friends over than usual last night: It was T--'s birthday and M-- hit another deer with her car. With only K--, A-- and D-- present we decided to forgo the traditional board games and watch a movie. Boy, I'm sure glad we did.

The film was The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind starring Jim Carrey. Usually his name on a DVD case is enough to send me running away from the TV set, but this must have been an alternate universe Jim Carrey, as he actually put in a good performance and didn't bend over and talk out of his butt. Not even once!

The story is actually pretty simple, although its execution is anything but. Girl meets boy. Girl and boy have fight. Girl erases memory of boy. Boy erases memory of girl. Boy discovers what made girl so interesting in the first place. The narrative is shown in a nonlinear fashion, which confused a few people last night, but I thought it was a fun and innovative way to tell a unique story. The film opens up some questions about predestination and free will, and I was left wondering how many times the lovers would cross again; self-destruct again... It also begs to ask the question of the viewer: who would you erase from your memory if you could? Would it ultimately make a shred of difference?

I don't think I've enjoyed a film this much since Rushmore. If you're willing to try something a little different, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is highly recommended!

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

A Bright Future

If you would have told me last year at this time that I'd be leaving the church plant I helped begin, I would have laughed in your face. Attendance and income was up, plus the people were finally beginning to "jell" as a family. We loved our coworkers and bought into our church's mission 100 percent.

Then we got a new senior pastor.

If you've never worked in a church you can't possibly understand what a terrifying thing this can be to church staff. If you have worked in a church, that comment probably triggered a post-traumatic stress incident! It's never easy on staff or congregations, but we decided to make the best of it. God is in control and all those other clichés, right?

It became obvious within six months that we had some big problems brewing at the church. The man turned out to be the most frightening narcissist that I've ever met, or hope to meet. Every person is looked at as an opportunity or an obstacle to his success within the denomination. Employees started leaving meetings in tears. Everyone was treated with suspicion. A happy organization became a dreary place where people stopped dreaming about the future and began watching the clock.

In a bungle that only denominational bigwigs can pull off, our church building actually hosted three different churches: the traditional parent church, the one Lamont and I pastored (missional), and a Hispanic church. Suddenly there wasn't any space or funds available for two of the three ministrie (guess which two). Accomplishing the simplest thing became an uphill climb. Every positive step would be turned into a negative by the senior pastor.

We had some dialogue with some denominational representatives in hopes that some mutual understanding could be reached, but we should have realized that a nasty egomaniac isn't going to turn into a cooperative partner. Ever. When people from our denomination asked us if we would consider running another church for them, we knew the writing was on the wall. A few weeks later I was told that although all options would be considered, our district head was leaning towards shutting our ministry down and merging it to the traditional church. We were told that we would still have jobs somewhere, so just hold on until the end. Sweet.

I have put up with any number of things in my ministry: long hours, unhappy parishioners, lack of funds, punchy church boards, low attendance, dumb denominational initiatives, plus this narcissist. But I could not and would not be satisfied with putting on a happy face and punching the clock until the end.

The good news is as of November 15, I won't have to! And neither will Lamont! After a great deal of prayer and soul searching, we were both offered new jobs one hour apart last week! They're both jobs working with young people, both have faith-based components (Lamont's is in a church), and we'll actually be making a lot more money!

Our senior pastor had the strangest reaction I've ever seen. He was positively overjoyed at our resignation, launched into his plans to merge the churches, and then spent the next half hour warning me not to turn people against him, steal anything, or sabotage the computers on the way out. Then he prayed for me like this: So often God, people try to follow your will. But sometimes they follow their own will, thinking that it's your will. And that leads to the way of destruction... You can't make stuff like this up, kids! A sociopath boss is scary enough. But a sociopath boss who thinks that God is on his side is really freaky!

It's tough wrapping things up in our current location. We've spent 5 years on the church plant, plus the previous 5 in the traditional church. We will miss the our congregation dearly, and wish that these vulnerable people didn't have to get caught in the crosshairs of this mess. Explaining to a sobbing youth group why we were leaving was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it wasn't much easier to do the same with the adults in never-ending home visits on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Our thoughts and prayers will be with them always...

Church went great on Sunday, despite the sadness. Our lives are going to be so different. We really feel like the best is yet to come!

Monday, November 01, 2004

Going Down!

I've been waiting for Election Day all year. But now that I'm finally on its eve, I find that I'm strangely disinterested in the whole process. You see, I was under the mistaken impression that when I pulled the "Kerry lever" that a trap door would open up under President Bush. You know what they say about Generation X and instant gratification...