Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I had a dream last evening that I attended a preview screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith in a grand old-fashioned cinema. I sat with S--, a childhood friend who now works in Hollywood, and misteroblivious, who doesn't. I remember saying "I can't believe I scored tickets to this," as the lights dimmed and the thick red velvet curtains parted, ala Moulin Rouge.

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH
(as dreamed by I.F.)

It quickly became apparent that this final installment of the Star Wars saga was going to be a low-budget affair: immediately after the text crawl at the beginning of the movie, the camera pans down to a starcruiser passing by. It is not computer generated -- it's obviously a plastic and cardboard model that lerches across the screen in a way that would make fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 proud. The audience greets this with laughter.

The camera zooms into the spaceship revealing dozens of storm troopers guarding a prison cell block. This looks half ways impressive until a stormtrooper falls over right before the shot cuts away, revealing that all the troopers are in reality vintage 1970s Kenner action figures. I gasp.

The movie cuts to the interior of the prison cell where all the good guys are being held captive. This is composed of the whole cast of all the Star Wars movies past and present, just like the cover of Vanity Fair, except everyone is in costume. Alec Guiness is there as BEN KENOBI, even though he's dead. He's standing right next to Ewan McGregor. JAR-JAR launches into one of his infantile comedy routines, and HAN SOLO (wearing the same costume from the original Star Wars) has had enough:

HAN: Shut your trap or I'll shut it for you!

LANDO CALRISSIAN (dressed in his cloud city clothes) tries to intervene.

LANDO: Hold on Han! Fighting amongst ourselves won't accomplish anything at a time like this!

HAN: I'll decide what I want to accomplish, you bitch!

HAN SOLO fires his laser blaster point blank into JAR-JAR's face. Blood and tripe sprays everywhere, as if this was the first Star Wars movie directed by George Romero.

There is silence in the movie theatre, except for the sound of a few children sobbing. I stand to my feet and begin clapping... It is a loud, defiant self-righteous clap that wouldn't be out of place in the soundtrack of a socially relevant sitcom like Good Times or Maude. I am eventually joined by two or three other people. But our claps suddenly stop when we see the action on screen: the goo that was once JAR-JAR's head melts away to reveal that JAR-JAR is really A ROBOT..!

And then I awake to the sound of Morning Edition on my clock radio.

THE END