inFATuated

Today is a holiday, but it's not on any calendar, except the one on my Palm Pilot. Today is D-day. "D" stands for diet, and September 13, 2004 is the day I weigh myself and reflect on my accomplishments. I began my diet and exercise program on May 13 with a goal of getting down to 260 pounds.

No, that's not a typo. My goal was to drop down to 260 pounds, which should give you an indication what a tub-o-lard I am. The day I started my diet I weighed 303 scale-crushing pounds. So let me go find out where I'm at today...

[Like a battleship launching itself out of port, I.F. lurches his considerable bulk across an ocean of carpet. His destination: The Scale Islands.]

Okay. I'm back. I missed my goal, but I did drop 28 lbs. to 275 lbs. Which is pretty good, because I gave up on the whole diet thing at the beginning of July. (The weight loss clinic I signed up with closed it's doors a few weeks after I joined. It's as if they took one look at me and decided they weren't up for the challenge.)

I planned to write a lot of funny stuff in this paragraph, because I assumed that I had gained all my weight back, but I can't think of anything funny to write about losing 28 lbs.

So what did I learn from this experience?

• I learned that I am a fat, fat man, because only a fat, fat man would be pleased that he was weighing in at only 275 lbs.
• I still lost 28 lbs. even though I only gave the diet a halfhearted effort. Makes me kind of wish I had stuck it out.
• My self-esteem is tied to my weight. When I thought I had gained all my weight back I felt awful. When the needle on the scale pointed to 275 I felt like a smokin' hot stud.
  

That's it for my D-day reflections. I'm off to eat an ice-cream sandwich!