I sit here and type these words while my is foot propped up on a stack of pillows. I am suffering from an acute attack of gout. Yes, gout. I mean, seriously, have you ever heard of anyone other than a pirate suffering from gout? I feel like I should go to the dentist right now and be checked for scurvy! Luckily, gout can be treated with a minor change in my diet, increased water intake, and some medication. But until the condition is alleviated, I will have to make some lifestyle changes:
1. Incorporate eye patch, hook, and peg-leg into my business-casual attire.
2. Trade-in dog for a talking parrot.
3. Only refer to wife as "wench" and son as "cabin boy."
4. Withdraw money from bank and bury in treasure chest in back yard.
5. Fly the Jolly Roger from the radio antenna on my Dodge Neon.
6. Build gang-plank onto front porch.
7. Answer phone by saying, "Ahoy, Matey!"
8. Substitute traditional peanut butter sandwich with hard-tack at lunch time.
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