Confessions of an Introvert

My life is characterized by busyness, noise, and distraction.

FERGALICIOUS! I am jolted out of sleep by the sounds of what passes for pop music these days. It is still dark, but my home is quickly filled with activity: someone let out the dog, you can't wear that to school, other people need to use the shower too you know, if we're out of milk make toast, who's turn is it to shovel the walk, and we are leaving in 5 minutes and that's final!

Then the day gets busy.

I have e-mail, voice mail, meetings, the internet, a cell phone and a PDA to keep me on task at work. I use the phrase "on task" in the loosest sense of the words. I find that the lines of communication that keep me so well connected to the world of business and industry often tangle, twist, and constrain me. For every one item checked off my to-do list, three tasks are added.

Evenings find me taxiing my children to and from activities, doing household chores or church activities, and keeping up with my school assignments. Somewhere in between this I gulp down some food and sneak in some conversation with my wife and kids before collapsing into bed to restart the whole cycle in seven hours.

Fergalicious, indeed.

I read in my devotions that Jesus said, "…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10 NIV). I wade out into a stream of living water and am dragged away by the undertow of the urgent, routine, and predictable. I am drowning but am distracted by the frenetic flailing of my arms and legs.

The thought of this terrifies me. The Old Testament recounts how God had to send prophets to rouse his chosen people out of their complacency. The New Testament records how the Pharisees—maybe the most staunchly devout people ever—utterly missed God when he was right there staring them in the face: "'When evening comes, you say, "It will be fair weather, for the sky is red," and in the morning, "Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast." You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times' (Matthew 16: 2–3 NIV). God's word makes it abundantly clear that my religious pedigree is no guarantee against spiritual blindness.

Moon and Benner point out that "…many in the Christian world have recently awakened to the truth that wearing the label 'Christian' is not synonymous with experiencing the intimate, moment-by-moment relationship with God that souls were designed to enjoy" (13)… Yet, my blindness is not strictly a private matter. As my practice of lectio divina regularly reminds me, "I exist in a web of relationships—links to nature, people, God" (Sacred Space 9). My inaction and disengagement can costs the people of this world dearly, the people Christ came to redeem.

Right now as I write this it occurs to me that millions of individuals are in slavery right now throughout the world. A third of the world is at war. Humankind is rapidly heading for a massive ecological crisis and no one has a clue how to wean ourselves off of the lifestyle which is causing it. The Third World gets stuck with holding the tab for our low, low prices.

I am overwhelmed and do not know where to start.

The good news—great news—is that God knows and his plan is more wonderful than I could ever imagine! "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV). The first step in becoming engaged in this plan is to listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying. Spiritual Direction is helping me in this endeavor.

William A. Barry and William J. Connolly penned the most common definition of spiritual direction: "We define Christian spiritual direction as the help given by one Christian to another which enables that person to pay attention to God's personal communication to him or her, to respond to this personally communicating God, to grow in intimacy with this God, and to live out the consequences of this relationship" (Moon 15).

For all the esoteric baggage that its name carries, spiritual direction is really a rather simple proposition. Tony Jones explains, "The belief implicit in spiritual direction is that God's Spirit is alive and active in the world, constantly moving in the believer's life. The second premise is that believers who are experienced in life and faith and who are committed to spiritual disciplines themselves may be able to help others to notice the movements of the spirit" (123).

While never referred to as "spiritual direction" in the Bible, it is nevertheless evident in the relationships of Eli and Samuel, Jesus and the disciples, and Paul and Timothy, just to name a few examples. Christian history abounds with influence through the Desert Fathers and Mothers, John Wesley, and even in the prolific correspondence of C.S. Lewis.

Protestants are the individualists of the church and I am no exception. When I first heard of spiritual direction I had a hard time comprehending what it could accomplish that my own personal prayer time could not. The answer is perspective. As Reginald Johnson writes in Your Personality and the Spiritual Life, "We really do need each other in the body of Christ. Our experience of the Lord is always partial and it is inevitably impoverished when we keep ourselves from the contributions which others could bring to us…In this way our understanding and experience of God can be expanded" (165). Jeremiah 17: 9 puts it this way: "The heart is deceitful above all things" (NIV)…

A spiritual director can be a ministry professional or a lay person. They may or may not be formally educated and trained in soul care. God can use people from many different walks of life to accomplish his purposes: "Although a spiritual director may have many natural gifts, trusting in their competency or expertise is not our main objective. Instead, we seek to trust God in them, and in the Holy Spirit through them. The most helpful qualities they have to offer are a heart surrendered to God and a willingness to listen to God with us" (Bakke 73-4).

I believe that I have found a spiritual director with these qualities, yet I find that I often struggle with really opening up in the sessions. Growing up, my family never really shared their feelings. My church valued answers and shunned questions. While logically I don't fear judgment from my spiritual director, I am overcome with an irrational fear of being rejected. I have much growing to do in this area.

M. Robert Mulholland suggests a relation between openness with other people and God:

"When we are in control of our relationship with God, when we try to maintain a privatized spirituality, we have to maintain a defensive posture towards others. We have to protect ourselves against them because we sense, unconsciously if not consciously, that there is a fatal flaw somewhere in our privatized spirituality—and anyone might disclose it. I have to keep you at arm's length lest you reveal the weakness, the flaw, in my privatized spirituality. …if I can release that obsessive self-control of my relationship with God to God, then I no longer have to fear you. I can welcome your insights into my incompleteness, because you can be a means of God's grace to awaken me to the blind spots in my life and my relationship with God. I can receive the gifts of your temperament preference and openly share mine with you. I can disclose to you the growing edges of my spiritual pilgrimage, the tender places of my brokenness and the hard places of my bondage, and receive God's healing, liberating grace through you. You can become a means of transforming grace, and I can welcome you. I can also commit myself to you in your brokenness and bondage and allow God to work through me in God's way, not my manipulative one" (Mulholland 154-5).

It may be a painful process by which to submit, but I am committed to working through this issue of vulnerability. The results of spiritual direction are far too vital for me to forgo: "Discernment of spirits is necessary for the sake of the People of God, so that they may recognize and participate in the act/work of God in their midst as this relates to the unfolding of His great plan of salvation; in effect, it is God's gift of 'spiritual sight' which helps identify the critical path of our pilgrimage to God" (Stravinskas 312).

There is no denying that this world needs Christ. There are places where he wants me to be his hands and feet. I only need listen and spiritual direction is vital to this goal. W. Paul Jones writes in The Art of Spiritual Direction, "Without lifelong support and disciplined accountability within the context of Christian vision, Christianity does little more than justify, make palatable, and provide coping skills for a life that is intrinsically secular and often un-Christian" (29) May we all experience a deep, vital relationship with God. This planet is depending on it.

WORKS CITED

Bakke, Jeannette A. Holy Invitations. Grand Rapids MI: Baker, 2000.

Johnson, Reginald D. Your Personality and the Spiritual Life. Gainesville FL: Center for Applications of Psychological Type, 1999.

Jones, Tony. Soul Shaper. Grand Rapids MI: Zondervan, 2003.

Jones, W. Paul. The Art of Spiritual Direction. Nashville TN: Upper Room, 2002.

Life Application Bible: New International Bible. Wheaton IL: Tyndale House, 1991.

Moon, Gary W. and David G. Benner (eds). Spiritual Direction and the Care of Souls. Downers Grove IL: InterVaristy, 2004.

Mulholland, M. Robert. Invitation to a Journey. Downers Grove IL: InterVaristy, 1993.

Sacred Space. Notre Dame IN: Ave Maria, 2006.

Stravinskas, Peter M.J. (ed). Our Sunday Visitor's Catholic Encyclopedia. Huntington IN: Our Sunday Visitor, 1991.