Saturday night, almost 2 am and I can't sleep due to the mangled mess of thoughts and feelings running through my entire being. I ordered the sandwich tray for our farewell tomorrow - but I forgot to pick it up. That will have to wait for the morning. I did a last minute letter project with special scissors and paper punches, all because I really felt a need to "give" something more to the people from our almost immediately closing church. I wanted to use the hands I have for one more chance to express God's love for each one of them. Our love for them. This hurts so much.
All these people have been such an important part of our lives for almost ten years. I. F. and I have been married for twelve. This has been my second longest commitment of my life - and I have to let it go. Let it go.
Where does it go to anyway? I will stay in touch with everyone the best I can, but I worry that schedule differences, physical distance and the passage of time will just take it all away. Everyone and everything will just go.... away.
I am beginning to look forward. I'm excited about the new ministry position I start on Monday at my new church. Some of the people I already know, I think that I will be happily surprised by the sameness I'll find there.
But the anger over this loss, the process of grieving continues inside as I try to look forward. It's hard to see clearly when you're looking through tear filled eyes.
My Grandpap died almost exactly one year ago this month. The feelings I had about his passing are rather like how I'm feeling today. I know that it's time for me to move on, just like it was time for my Grandpap to move beyond his 93 years of age on this earth. The memories of this church keep catching me off guard. I see or smell something and it reminds me of a photo relay I did with youth group or a fundraising dinner with all its stress, laughter and fun.
Tomorrow morning after service is over, the members of our congregation will be putting on a tureen dinner for our farewell. This next 24 hours will build more memories of tears, laughter, food, prayer and thankfulness for having the opportunity of getting to know and love each other. I am a blessed person and I know that blessing isn't going to stop when I leave the building for the last time tomorrow. It's just hard knowing that I won't have to key to enter this place, let others in, and make them feel welcome in God's name.
Monday I will get a new set of keys and the new people that come with them. Help me God to love them as I did the others. Maybe just maybe - I can love the new ones more because of what all the others have taught me. Thank you my friends, for giving me the honor of teaching, learning, praying, playing, saying hello and saying good bye.
One year ago my Grandpap's last words to me were, "Keep working till Jesus comes." I thought it was a little strange of him to say, but maybe he had a glimpse of the year I had ahead of me. This year has been one that required me to trust God more than any other before. This year has been about new starts and odd endings. I think I will let go of the hurt, but hold on to the love. God has watched over me and my family and I know he go's with me, no matter what keys I have in my pocket. That is enough for me to go on.
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