Welcome to the 21st Century

From the perspective of being a child growing up in the seventies, I have to say that the 21st century sucks. Moon Bases and Jet Packs my butt! So I got myself a cell phone yesterday because it was the most futuristic thing I could think of. I feel the world owes me.

SWITCH

SWITCH

Last night I thought my head would explode-
but sleep and excedrin seemed to break it's tight hold.
Feel my relief.
SWITCH

Morning light, blurry dirfting sleep-
to day running like mad.
Feel my heart beat.
SWITCH

Eating and drinking as the rains' pouring down-
then sweating in the sun with my sunglasses on.
Feel my skin warm.
SWITCH

Walking into a hall, everyones' standing at the side -
stepping onto the center, people gather close by.
Feel my deep sigh.
SWITCH

Today I might think things are loss or in vain -
but tomarrow they could become new yet again.
Some things I can change and others cannot -
taking a step to flip them is better than not.
Hear my reply.
SWITCH

Rainy Day

A Friend of ours tragically lost his little niece yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.


I wish it were sunny today -
then maybe the news on the front page wouldn't seem so sad.
I wish it were sunny today -
then the light coming in my window might chase away the sad.
I wish it were sunny today -
then the warmth of the light would fill up my heart.
I wish it were sunny today -
so that the reign of meloncholy wouldn't have a place to start.

Sad rain, sad news makes me want to put on walking shoes --
and keep walking till I feel warm spring sunshine on my face again.

For: Steve

That's Entertainment!

Went to the theater today and caught the trailer for Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It stars Angelina Jolie. And she wears a garter belt. This may possibly be the greatest movie ever made.

2 peas in a pod

I was taking with a friend about a couple that have been married for years (at least 40) and I noticed how tenderly he spoke about his wife that broke her wrist earlier this week. He still calls her "Sweetheart" and you can tell he means it by the look in his eyes. It really touched my heart.


Two peas in a pod
Two peas in a pod - so cozy and close.
A lifetime of memories cacooned us just so.
Travels through Europe two time over, and
once to the west coast to make sure that we're covered.

Everything big and everything small.
Everything now seem so small so meek,
when I compare how lost I feel without
you beside me.

So many people searching so hard to find
a love that is lasting, caring and kind.
I've found what their longing and wishes fulfill-
a love that grows over a lifetime lived to the full.
Care for your loved ones, hold them all dear
as illness, anger or death can make them disappear.

Show you love the best that you can,
then you can tell stories like mine and sweet Mary Ann's.

For Frank

Quote for the day

"It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a personality of my own"
C.S. Lewis

ANAGRAM #1

Heres a little something to clear out my writing cobwebs. Enjoy!

Lamont


Anagram #1

T-ime fills up and empties out too fast. That is something I can't get past. Ticking, tocking and draining like grains of sand.
Wishing and wanting to hold onto it with my two hands. Time marches on, today's almost past. Live life to the full. Don't let it get past.

A-rt provides a place for me, with color and content - a kaleidoscope that's free. Free from limits and free from time. Art is only limited by my imagination and mind.

R-elationships with others: taking, sharing and supporting each heart. Important and precious, but perilous to start. Beginning again seems as possible as finding a four leaf clover that really works ... how impossible. Not starting is really the only impossibility. Relationships are like H20 to me.

A-ngles, direction and GPS. How do I know what way is the best? Prayer, petition, planning and pride - push me on to pursue what is muddled to find. I'll sit on these steps of the journey familiarly new, hoping to come to a place to renew. Reflect on the faces that were once all brand new, remember the lessons that have brought me to you. Rhyme, reflection and some revision help me take the next steps on my traveling commission

The Next Step in my DVD Collection's Evolution...

Misteroblivious and I have wasted a lot of air discussing what programs aren't on DVD yet, such as the Adam West Batman series, Get Smart and Max Headroom. But someone at A&E Home Video decided to throw a bone to the geeks and release The Tomorrow People on DVD!

The Tomorrow People was made in Britain between 1973 - 1978, but didn't air in America until the early 1980s on Nickelodeon. (Yes, they had Nickelodeon when I was a kid!) It's about a group of teens who find they have superpowers like being able to read minds, appear and disappear, and levitate things. Like any one of us would do in a similar situation, The Tomorrow People set up a base with a talking computer in an abandoned subway station and confront alien invaders.

This show is for fans of classic Doctor Who. And I mean that in a good way. All the hallmarks of the more well known series are evident in The Tomorrow People -- shot on video, wobbly sets, cliffhangers, low production values, aliens who invade the English countryside, and quarries that double as alien planets. Believe me, if you ever just happened to catch a snippet of the show while channel surfing, you'd expect to see the TARDIS somewhere in the background.

This is one series I never, ever, ever expected to see on DVD in the USA. Heck, I never expected to ever see the show ever again. You can bet I'm saving my pennies now for the release of the boxed set next month -- all 26 episodes of the first two seasons! I can't wait to see how my memory of the show holds up!

The Man-Friendly Church

Look around your chapel on any given Sunday and it becomes quickly apparent that the guys are in the minority. It’s no wonder. Everything about today’s church going experience just screams FABULOUS, from the flower display on the altar to the portraits of a fey Jesus hanging on the wall of every Sunday School room.

Churches have tried a lot of innovative things in the last few years to pack a few more dudes in the pews. Super Bowl Parties, Promise Keepers rallies, and giving away John Maxwell books by the metric ton on Father’s Day were all steps in the right direction. But the church still has a long way for to go before it becomes a serious threat to staying home and mowing the lawn.

I recently gathered data in an exhaustive survey of nearly a dozen men and am now fully qualified to present:

TEN EASY STEPS TO A MAN-FRIENDLY CHURCH

1. Make the fellas feel more at home by dismantling those uncomfortable pews and replacing them with individual La–Z–Boy recliners.
   
   
2. Watch dad’s face light up at the nursery when you toss him a BlackBerry instead of that chintzy plastic childcare pager.
   
   
3. “The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” So along with the bread and wine, consider serving a side of ribs and a baked potato.
   
   
4. Forever ban the part of the service where the pastor says, “Let’s all get up and HUG someone this morning!"
   
   
5. All disagreements in church business can be just as easily settled at the poker table than at a board meeting.
   
   
6. Revise the program of Women’s Ministries Sunday to include ample time for women jumping on trampolines.
   
   
7. PowerPoint slides during worship feature a continuously-updating stock ticker at bottom of screen.
   
   
8. Ditch the coffee fellowship and hold a weekly outdoor pig roast in its place.
   
   
9. Women ushers. Hooters T-Shirts. I don’t think we need to elaborate.
   
   And the number one step to creating a more man-friendly church…
   
   
10. Hold the guys’ attention during the sermon: Swap the tired Biblical analysis with the occasional sports metaphor for sports analysis with an occasional Bible metaphor.

A Pleasant Sunday Afternoon

I went to visit Pleasant Township Elementary School on Sunday afternoon with my mom and N--. It is one of four or five schools in my hometown that will be closing this year due to declining attendance. I had attended elementary school there from 1975 - 1980, and my mother went there as a first-grader way back in 1942! The cliché is true: everything does look smaller! It was nice to walk the halls again after 25 years... It was rather strange to walk in old classrooms and see them changed around -- with computers and everything. You see, the rooms had been perfectly preserved in my memory all these years and it was kind of a shock to walk into my sixth-grade classroom and not see Mr. Holcomb at his desk or to see the library bereft of the paper mache statues that Mr. Bertolini's class made. Somewhere deep in the back of my mind I thought I would see my friends like Mike, Tim, Brian, Shannon, Bobby, Rick and Robbie -- but that was a long time ago. I didn't expect it to be that emotional inside that building... and I realized that perhaps elementary school was the last time I actually felt good to be myself and to just be happy.

I had a few great memories come back to me:

• Herbie crawling under a table, covering every square inch of his skin with chocolate pudding, then jumping up and yelling "I'm a negro!" (remember, this was like 1976.) Hilarity and punishment ensued.
  
  
• Cub Scout Pack meetings in the cafeteria.
  
  
• The best pizza in Warren was the kind our lunch ladies made.
  
  
• Learning how to play chess from Mr. Bertolini.
  
  
• Dressing up like Pilgrims for a second-grade play. (The other class had to dress up like turkeys!)
  
  
• The principal, Mr. Marino, doing these 1930s-style radio shows over the PA system.

Shipwrecked

I read a story
of a boat
a storm on a sea
and a supernatural rescue.

I can't see You anymore amongst
the wind
the waves
and the rain.

Can You rescue me if my ship is already dashed against the rocks?

April (snow) Showers

I live in Jamestown, New York. Today is April 24. Today's weather forcast says it's only going to warm up into the mid-30s. It's also going to snow. This is all you need to know about living in Jamestown, New York.

Contemplate THIS!

I was thinking about Catherine of Sienna yesterday, specifically her comments on doing all things prayerfully. It all seems so unattainable -- and even unrealistic -- to me. For instance, how do you drive prayerfully? I guess the question of the last few days has been:

"Is it possible for a guy living in the 21st century, with a family, job, mortgage, and car payments to reach any sort of level of contemplation?"

But I remind myself that true contemplation isn't an escape from the world. Just like with Abraham, Moses, the Desert Fathers (and Mothers) a person that makes contact with God becomes more engaged in "real life."

Sigh. I know all about real life. I find myself very distracted by my work right now. There never seems to be enough time to accomplish everything I would like, and I find myself continually wrestling with distracting thoughts even in the evening and on weekends.

It has occurred to me in writing this that I am very contemplative: I contemplate problems, the things that stress me, people that piss me off, my failures, and all sorts of crises real and imagined. If only God could be as present to me as my current distractions and trials... I'd be the new Thomas Merton, I guess...

I Didn't Build It For Me

I went to Mount Saint Benedict's Monastery in Harbor Creek last night for their first Spiritual Connections group of 2005. The program was about Saint Catherine of Sienna, who lived a full life that was an intriguing combination of mysticism, servanthood, and activism. In Catherine's eyes, prayer wasn't just a way of petitioning God -- it was a gateway to a mystical union with God. It was integrated into every area of her life so that it was a continual "stream of living water." I contrasted that with the modern view of prayer as a way of "recharging" before a person goes back into secular life, i.e., the real world. It also made me consider my own steps into mysticism... Am I using spirituality to escape from the realities of life? Saint Catherine would say that the more spiritual a person is, the more that person should be engaged in the world. We ended the evening in the chapel of the monastery where I prayed for a deeper hunger for God, and for God to fill that hunger.

This morning as I was working through Celtic Daily Prayer, I was struck by how lowly and humble was the ministry of Christ: "...who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2: 6 - 8)

I guess what amazes me is how the church is obsessed with big, slick ministries, when its founder was born in a barn, lived a life in service to others and was executed as a criminal. I know that some people would argue that "you have to tell 'em to sell 'em," meaning that you have to compete with the best entertainment and advertising to get people's attention so you can get them in the doors of your church. And to a point I agree -- after all, I was a public relations whore for five years. But at what point does it just become self-promotion and self-aggrandizement?

Last evening and this morning weren't messages that I wanted to hear. Perhaps that's all the more reason to be mindful about heeding them...

Space Age Technology Makes It Possible!

During Benny and Joon last night, a commercial for Victoria's Secret came on touting -- gasp -- THE WORLD'S MOST ADVANCED BRA!!! And to think I didn't hear about this on CNN...

I need to preface the rest of this article by saying that I have had practically zero experience with bras, short of taking them off of some people -- and even that doesn't amount to much experience. Damn those clasps! But I digress.

I realize that no woman wants to go back to the days of jungle vines and coconuts, but now that we've advanced out of that stage by a few thousand years, what else is there to perfect? How different can one bra be from another? It's not like they have thousands of moving parts or there's a lot of options in design. Hey fellas, let's try one with three cups this time! It's not going to happen. So how can one manufacturer lay claim to the "most advanced" crown?

I'd like to find out more about THE WORLD'S MOST ADVANCED BRA. For instance:

• Is there a proud mother somewhere right now talking up her son's accomplishment at bridge club? "Going to work for Victoria's Secret was the best move my Harry ever did after college. Do you know the World's Most Advanced Bra couldn't have happened without him? He's like the Albert Einstein of bras or something!"
  
  
• How exactly do scientists field test a bra? Do they rent out a MIT lab? Do they use caged animals in cruel experiments involving lace? Or do they recruit actual humans? Does anything ever go horribly wrong? Houston, we have a problem!
  
  
• Will bored junior high students someday have to write a midterm paper about it in history class?
  
  
• With The Salad Shooter at one and A Cure For Cancer at ten, where will historians place THE WORLD’S MOST ADVANCED BRA on the scale of great inventions?
  
  
• How do I get a job on the design team?

I Have Seen My Future And It's Not Pretty

I've had this tooth pain that's been really aggravating me for awhile, but I really started to feel it this weekend. I prepared myself for the worst -- a root canal or a filling -- and went to the dentist office. Or as I like to call it, The House of Pain. Turns out that it was nothing more than receding gums (which is perfectly normal for my age) and can be treated by using Sensodyne when I brush.

I should have been relieved that the problem can be taken care of simply by using Sensodyne, but I've left the office feeling even more troubled. Sensodyne = old. I mean, as long as I'm picking up a tube of Sensodyne at Wal-Mart, shouldn't I just go ahead and stock up on some
Ben Gay and Preparation H for the inevitable?

I'd write more but I gotta go install a Clapper on the lamp next to my bed...

Walking on Water

After spending a great deal of time working on my "kid's club" lesson for the week, I was pleased to have a good number of kids (and teens) participating in the singing, lesson and activities tonight. Our memory verse for the night was "Fix your eyes on Jesus" from Hebrews 12: 2A, so I made a giant pair of sunglasses and my team member plunked the verse under each cut-out lens for the kids to peek under.
When all was said and done - sunglasses embedded with too many stick on jewels, kids faces little hug stained, and hands full of whatever snacks we had on hand at the church - we were ready to go home.

When I drop off kids, I usually try to reinforce the lesson by asking questions, singing songs that we learned and so on. It isn't unusual for the kids to recite their idea of the scripture verse - and much of the time they really do well in remembering the information we pour into them for 1 1/2 hours every Wednesday.

On my next to last drop off tonight, I asked each of the four children in the house what the memory verse was. Kid #1 got the verse dead on. Kid #2 got the concept, but some words were switched about. Kid# 3 nailed the verse and the reference! Great, we're on a roll! Last but not least was little D. With all the enthusiasm I could manage to muster as I asked him, "D, what was our Bible verse tonight?"

With all the confidence of a five-year-old, he grinned and thought about my question for a moment. I repeated my question thinking maybe he hadn't heard me. He heard me just fine.

With sparkling blue eyes, fuzzy blond hair and a toothless grin - D exclaimed, "CHIPS!"

D cherish the blue foil package of potato chips he carried home from church, to his small house by the creek.

D never you worry, God has a lot of potato chips at his house.

Quote of the Day: Busyness

"How thin can I stretch myself until I'm no longer there?" -- The Grateful Dead

Yee-haw!

As if George Bush and trailer parks weren't enough, I now have conclusive proof that the South really won the Civil War: a Dukes of Hazzard movie opens on August 5. And it has Burt Reyonlds in it.

Mark it on your calendar...

...I'm actually too exhausted to blog!

Time is Money

I wish I could come up with a million dollar idea, but I don't imagine I every will. I don't know why.... I mean, it didn't take a degree in rocket science to come up with ideas like charging someone $3.50 for a cup of coffee, pet rocks, or Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I guess my problem is that I overthink the whole thing... The trick seems to find something people already do, like drink water or wear blue jeans and convince them to shell out big bucks to do the same damn thing. Isn't that what the bottled water and designer jeans people did? So what are some other products people use everyday that I can charge ten times their worth? Toilet paper? Toothpaste? Gum?

What I really wish I could do is come up with a way to make a 25 hour day. Now that would be a million dollar idea!

Apple Mentioned on New Doctor Who Show

I saw another Apple reference in the popular media... I've been following the new British Dr. Who series and last Saturday's episode took place far in the future. A character was showing off archaeological treasures from the past and wheeled out a fifties-style jukebox and said, "This was called an iPod."

Come to think of it, shouldn't Apple have used a Tom Baker-era Doctor in its Think Different campaign?

Blue Uniform TV

BLUE UNIFORM COMEDY TOUR

Salvation Army goes mainstream with new tour, movie and television program

What the average American knows about The Salvation Army could easily fill a small paragraph in an encyclopedia. Seeking to raise awareness about the 140 year-old church and charity in an increasingly competitive marketplace, Salvation Army leadership has enlisted the help of comedians Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy.

“It’s about time our denomination brought in some outside help for a little public relations,” said Colonel Humbug, a high-ranking officer from the organization’s national headquarters. “It’s embarrassing to have new acquaintances continually ask if I really go to church inside a thrift store.”

The idea for the unlikely partnership came about when Salvation Army top brass chanced upon an episode of Blue Collar TV on The WB. Col. Humbug explains: “We noticed that Foxworthy and friends took an otherwise ignored segment of the population—namely, rednecks—and made them downright popular. So we got to thinking, why not us? I mean, they must be doing something right. The size of their studio audience alone easily dwarfs our church’s national membership numbers!”

Many rural fans, still traumatized from the Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines fiasco, have expressed doubt that the comedy trio’s act can withstand the transition from country corn to Salvationist slapstick. But a recent try-out of the new Blue Uniform Comedy material at a Salvation Army community center left the audience clamoring for more. One man exiting the corps commented, “It’s not really that different once you get past the little changes, like Larry the Cable Guy. He’s now Larry the Kettle Guy and goes around yelling GIT-R-RUNG!”

Foxworthy, Engvall and Larry aren’t the only ones who are adjusting their act. The Salvation Army itself is making some adjustments in anticipation of welcoming the trio’s existing fanbase to its denomination. For instance, the organization has traded in their massive emergency disaster vehicles for pickup trucks with gun racks. And the iconic blue uniform now comes in a special sleeveless version with hunting boots.

The Blue Uniform Comedy Tour, which is being filmed for an upcoming theatrical release, begins its tour of Salvation Army corps next month. Blue Uniform TV will premiere this fall on The WB. In related news, Target has announced that it won’t sponsor the show.

* * *

…YOU MAY BE A SALVATIONIST
If walking into a department store without a bell makes you feel naked…
If you can have coffee and doughnuts ready at a fire scene even before the fire trucks show up…
If you’ve ever misused Psalm 132:9—“be clothed in righteousness”—to defend uniform wearing...
If your calendar is divided into only two seasons: Christmas and Almost Christmas…
If you assume that making a person listen to a sermon is a prerequisite to eating a bowl of soup…
If your offering and United Way pledge end up in the same place…
If you regularly wrap and deliver more gifts at Christmastime than Santa …
If you believe baptism and communion are traditions you can easily get along without, but think the church will fold if it doesn’t keep the tradition of uniforms and brass bands…

***

THE RED KETTLE DICTIONARY
HORNY - adjective. How our brass band sounds.

***

HERE’S YOUR SIGN

A couple of months ago I went to a meeting of my local pastoral association. A guy took a look at my uniform and goes, “Hey, y’all the pastor of The Salvation Army?”

Nope.

I’m a Congregationalist who likes to cross dress as a meter maid.

Here's your sign.

THE END

Okay, everybody -- we confess: This a late April Fool's Day joke by I.F. & Mr. X!

And the ten-thousand dollar prize goes to...

...the Experiment House Family of Jamestown, New York!

Or at least that's what the announcer of America's Funniest Home Videos would have said if we only had a video camera handy! Lamont tells me that last night I had a snoring fit, which our shepherd-collie took to be dog language and carried on a conversation with me.

I.F.: SCNARRRRFFFFF!

DOG: RA-ORF?

I.F.: SCNARRRRFFFFF!

DOG: AAA-EERF.

I.F.: SCNARRRRFFFFF!

DOG: RIFF!

Sigh.

Uh, I guess you had to be there.

Tw-eet

I love Spring, or at least what passes for it in Western New York. This morning as I laid in bed, quite possibly more asleep that awake, I heard some birds singing outside my window. The passage from Saint Matthew popped into my head, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them." A nice reminder for a guy like me who worries about everything -- my job, the kids, the car, my health. I had one of those perfect moments of clarity and realized how foolish this is. I rolled over and caught a few more ZZZZs...

Doctor WHAT?

My favorite TV show, Doctor Who, returned to TV last Saturday after a 15 year hiatus. So here's the update:

1. The show premieres a few days ago on the BBC to 10.5 million viewers. It's a hit!
2. Critics love the new show.
3. In a surprise move, the BBC immediately commissions a Christmas special and a second series of 13 episodes.
4. Christopher Eccleston, the star of the show quits after one episode! Click here for the official scoop.

The More Things Change

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I decided that a trip to the overstuffed bookshelves in the Experiment House library was in order. I finally settled on my Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Workbook that I used during some training back in the summer of 2000.

I have a lot to do at work in the next two weeks -- which was probably the cause of my insomnia, come to think of it -- and I guess I thought that I could glean some wisdom from that great bald guru, Stephen Covey. What I found was quite something else entirely.

The workbook is really a summary of the best selling book, and is a great way to review its principals in bullet form. But it also has plenty of space to journal and write and it was amazing to see where my head was five years ago.

Some of my plans, like a regular date night with Lamont never happened. I was also surprised to see how positive I was about our old church -- I can’t think of the place without hurting now -- and it was fun to remember that ministry when truly anything seemed possible. I was also surprised to see the seeds of who I am today keep popping up again and again...

I couldn’t believe how many times I found myself writing about, well, writing! “What would I do if I could had all the time and money in the world...” etc. I honestly don’t remember writing being that much a part of my life back then, but I guess the desire was already there. I’m still working on acquiring the “all the time and money in the world” part, though!

The other surprise was my answer to the question, “What is the one most positive change you could make in your personal life?” I wrote down meditation of all things! Which is pretty amazing because I don’t recall knowing anything about meditation at all in those days. I don’t think I had even read any Richard Foster yet, let alone made regular trips to a monastery... but the desire for something that has become an integral part of my life was already there five years ago.

I also took a look at my mission statement -- too long to reprint here -- and saw how my life has changed in five years to really internalize its ideals. Maybe it’s time to write a new one to carry me through 2010...

A Hair Raising Experience

With tomorrow being Easter and all, I decided that some grooming was in order. So I went to the hair salon. The thing that always amazes me is that the first thing a stylist asks a guy is how do you want your hair styled. Listen ladies, give it up because we men don't have the slightest idea how to answer that question. We just don't obsess that much about our hair. And it's not like we're going to ask for highlights or anything. The fella in the chair next to me gave the best answer to the question ever. He just said short. Which I guess was a lot better than my mumble about using a razor and then pointing towards the general area of my head.

My stylist attacked my head with the razor as if there was a secret message written on my skull and she couldn't wait to read it. Suddenly she began gagging. I asked her if she was all right and she just ran out of the room yelling, "Gross!"

When she came back she explained that the razor had somehow shot my hair into her mouth. But she was OK now. She put the electric razor away and started on me with the scissors. A few seconds later she yelled ouch and dropped the scissors on the floor. She had cut her finger pretty good and had to go clean it and bandage it up. She came back a few minutes later and finished me up. I decided against asking her to groom my beard -- I pictured her putting her eye out or something.

I gave her an extra buck for hazzard pay. Who would have ever thought hairstyling would be such a dangerous profession?

Hype

It amazes me how over-hyped movies are these days. I just saw a piece on Beauty Shop, which noted that the movie opens March 30. I was already familiar with the cast and many of the scenes. I really thought the movie had already came out last fall!

Roxy Music

I have a rather long commute to work, so I decided at the outset last November to redeem the time by listening to books on tape. I made it through Slaughterhouse Five, The Care of the Soul, How to Win Friends and Influence People and a whole lot of others. I listened to some cool Mike Yaconelli talks I downloaded off the 'net. It was a great way to pass the time and I learned some things, too. But no more. What did me in was listening to The Bible, of all things. Driving forty miles every morning and afternoon listening to a monotone voice droning on so-and-so begat so-and-so can do weird things to a person's psyche. Believe me.

So out went the book of 1st Chronicles and in went Roxy Music. Ever heard of them? They started in 1972 and were sort of a cross between glitter and prog rock. By 1982 they had somehow transformed into a dreamy sounding pop/rock combo who recorded the perfect album of all time, Avalon. I wasn't introduced to the band until the mid 80s, when it was already long gone. I can't imagine what it must have been like to come across a Roxy Music album when it was all new, sitting in the same record rack at Jamesway with The Captain and Tenille and B.J. Thomas.

Do yourself a favor and listen to some Roxy Music today!

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." -- 2 Chronicles 7:14

"I would do anything for you, I would climb mountains, I would swim all the oceans blue, I would walk a thousand miles, Reveal my secrets, More than enough for me to share..." -- Roxy Music

George Lucas -- You Need Closure

Starting in 1977 with Star Wars, George Lucas made three of the most successful films of all time. In 1997 he re-released the orignial trilogy to theatres with new special effects. The DVDs that came out last year had even more changes. Well, never one to leave well enough alone, George Lucas has announced that he will use new technology to recreate all six Star Wars movies in 3-D... How I wish I were making this up... He said to expect the first rerelease in 2007...

Where will this all end? Channeling the psychic powers of the Mighty Carnac I was able to find out:

2007
The six Star Wars films are released in 3-D. Audiences discover that Jar-Jar was bad enough the first time, but positively horrifying in 3-D. Admissions to psychiatric units triple in the first week of The Phantom Menace's rerelease.

2017
George Lucas perfects technology that allows audiences to smell the films. After previewing the movies, audiences are given barf bags to use every time a Wookie appears on screen.

2027
For the fiftieth anniversary of Star Wars, Lucas proudly announces that there's not one single frame of the original movie left in the film, all actors replaced by lifelike animatronic robots... Industry wags notice that Lucasfilm has patented a process that would allow audiences to taste whatever is shown onscreen. Fans of the series eagerly await the newer, tastier installments in 2037...

The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades

I noticed that all of the scriptures I read this morning in Celtic Daily Prayer had a common theme: the future.

Psalm 121: 3 - 4:
"He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 3:
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up..."

Matthew 9:17:
"Neither is new wine put into old wineskins; if it is, the skins burst, and the wine is spilled, and the skins are destroyed; but new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved."

I wonder what the future holds for me? And "the happenings of my lot"?

Holy (Bat) Crap

There's no justice in this world... I just read that Doogie Howser M.D. got a DVD release while the Adam West Batman show is still rotting in a film vault somewhere...

Who are the Brain Police?

The other day I noticed that one of my favorite blogs had disappeared from the 'net. After a quick e-mail to the author, he let me know that he had just changed his address. Some people from the ministry he works at got wind of his blog and almost had him fired.

Turns out that blogging is "self-centered." And being self-centered is an indicator that he's in poor spiritual health.

I just can't stand the way some Christians feel it's their duty to see everything in the most negative light possible... For instance, his blog is "self-centered" -- why not "introspective"? Or "self-examining"? Or even how about "a hobby"?

Thank goodness that the finger-pointing brigade has set all of us straight on the spiritual dangers of blogging. Now that's done perhaps they can concentrate on feeding hungry people, welcoming strangers, clothing the needy, and looking after sick people and prisoners.

As long as none of them blog.

Pizza

I got a pizza from Little Ceasar's today that was so good it could have been from Dominoes...

Quote of the Week: Religious People

The funniest thing I heard all week came from my coworker, M--, at work yesterday afternoon: "Jesus would still be alive if it weren't for religious people."

Ten Things To Be Thankful About Today

I.F.'s Ten Things To Be Thankful About Today:

10. New episodes of Doctor Who soon!
09. Nice coworkers
08. Roxy Music has reunited to make a new album
07. Payday
06. I've almost moved everything from my "in-box" to my "out-box."
05. The best night of TV viewing ever: The Avengers/The Saint/The Persuaders back-to-back on BBC America
04. The book Celtic Daily Prayer
03. Pizza eating and Mac troubleshooting tonight with Mister Oblivious
02. A happy, healthy family
01. ...And did I mention IT'S FRIDAY?

Review: Holy Ground

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

My friends, S-- and V--, recently passed along to me a copy of Holy Ground - Celtic Christian Spirituality by Deborah K. Cronin. It's a nice introduction to the subject that is written in such a way that I oftentimes felt like I was taking a peek into the author's personal journal. It's a positive view of spirituality that is defined by the mantra it is good rather than the "crises" we face. Cronin goes beyond the history lesson and suggests ways that we can adapt this ancient view of life in the land of work and Wal-Mart franchises. Recommended reading!

My only disappointment with the experience had nothing to do with the actual book itself: I found out the author used to live in my area and I never had the chance to meet her!

Travel without TARDIS

It occurred to me during morning prayer that my time traveling isn't just to the summertime. I've been doing my share of traveling both to the future and to the past.

I'm responsible for a rather large project that I feel never comes any closer to completion, despite my best efforts. If I wanted to wax all poetical about it, I would use a word picture like spinning my wheels on the ice but poets don't write about cars, do they? I just want to move onto the next phase and dream of the time when I'm finally onto the next thing. "It will be different in the future," I tell myself. But this leaves me very dissatisfied with the present.

It's also becoming more apparent to me how much healing I need from the past. Even though things have gone great with the residents of Experiment House since the closing of our ministry, too often my mind wanders back to the struggles and betrayals, character assassinations, and hurts of the last year... I am fine for days and then something stirs a memory and I see how truly bound I am to that "big ball of pain," in spirit if not in body. I'm sure I miss the good things about the present sometimes because I'm reliving a broken dream.

That's the thing about time travel. In movies and on TV, the narrative always follows the traveler into the past or future. So you never realize how much of the present they miss.

I read in the scriptures today, "If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

That's a promise, isn't it?

23rd Psalm

Psalm 23


A psalm of David.
   1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

    2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,

    he leads me beside quiet waters,

    3 he restores my soul.

    He guides me in paths of righteousness

    for his name's sake.

    4 Even though I walk

    through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]

    I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

    your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

   

    5 You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

    You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

    6 Surely goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

    and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

    forever.

This passage was read today at the funeral of an 18 year-old-girl, that happened to be an honor student with much promise and hope for her future. This girl was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was murdered early last Friday morning.
One of my current students was her friend, and I had the honor of escourting him to the services this morning.

There was so much sadness, overwhemling the family and friends by audible moans of grief and dispair over thier great loss. You could touch, taste, feel and see the affect of this violent and horrible act.

But more than the loss, I witnessed a funeral that was standing room only. It was filled to the brim with people who loved Sam. Teachers, friends, family and even a few strangers like me - but I didn't feel like a stranger when I caught the tear-filled eyes of an old friend saying, "Thank you so much for coming." God was in that room today. In the embraces, in the hands held, and in the words read.

    6 Surely goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

    and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

    forever.

Sam, may you rest knowing the love others had for you. May goodness and love follow you throughout eternity. I know that you have a beautiful mansion in heaven. You are safe, at peace, and at home there. Your life gave so many others the opportunity to hear about Jesus - I pray that they heed what was said.

Peace and Love,
The Stranger that wasn't a stranger -
Thanks.
Lamont

Sunshine

Tired.
So tired of snow.
So tired of scraping my windshield.
So tired of taking it easy on curves.
So tired.

God played a trick on me this morning.
Sunshine came dancing through my window
and landed on me, all snuggled up in my blankets.

I closed my eyes and traveled
not in space
but in time.
Summertime.

A lovely day.
I can get up
and walk through the grass
go swimming with my son
cook out on the grill
and the only ice
will be in my glass of lemonaide.

Some day soon.

Am I lost - or are you?

I was considering a statement shared with me the other day, because the sheer impact of it caused me to have such a strong reaction.

"I met so-in-so from your old church the other day. They said they knew you really well and that they really felt they lost you to your new church."

I was shocked to hear this statement, and was unable to have a very graceful reaction. Actually, I think I said something like, "Really? They said that? Wow, I never would have thought they'd say that. Well, it's a long story. A really long story."

Smooth, wasn't I? So I changed the subject asap and tried to brush it off.

I find that as soon as I make some serious steps towards healing over some of those old hurts - someone (usually unbenounced to them) pokes me in a tender spot. Never mind who said these words, never mind if I think they "knew" me at all, but the words associated with "lost" were too great a reminder of all the losses over the last few months. Not surprisingly - the word "lost" stuck with me.

I really don't want to rehash the past anymore. I've been praying for God to continue to heal my heart and help me to start over in challenging new opportunities, and I feel that the process of healing has begun. But then this little word "lost" causes my mind to spin with all the old memories. I was beginning to feel rather lost in the midst of all this flashing back, but in a moment of clarity the compass of my mind took another look at the words that were said.

"They lost you (me)." I didn't lose anything at all. They were the ones that "lost" someone.

Wow. After all the prayers, pleading and passion for our old church -- they were the ones that lost. They lost our gifts, our many hours of hard work, our interaction with staff and community and... well, us.

I still have my God, my family and my work. As challenging as it can be - God preserved the ministry opportunities and our security. God kept us from becoming or being lost.

There is a scripture that says something like this ... "things men intend to harm others with, God redeems for good."

I know that there are memories from our previous ministry that will always stay with me and those are things that will never be lost to me. God has worked out this whole situation -- and I know this is where I'm called for the present time. The only thing I want to lose is the strain I feel when people try to pull me back to the place I was a few months ago.
I've moved on. You've lost us. Let us go.

God has redeemed our lives for good, and that is what I want it to be. A good life.

Blind to the Bind

Sometimes I feel like I'm a character in a Stephen King novel or a David Lynch film. I've been doing lay ministry in my hometown, about 20 miles away from where I currently reside. I love my hometown. It's nestled down inside the Allegehany Mountains, which means it's pretty scenic no matter the season. But I just can't shake the feeling that a black cloud is hanging over the whole town. The shadows all seem deeper than I remember them. The chill seems to have more of an edge to it.

Lamont and I thought that our ministry in Jamestown had pretty much prepared us for anything, but we're amazed at the depths and complexity of the needs with which we're now faced. It just seems that everyone we meet is "at-risk" with either poverty, abuse, or mental health issues... or sometimes all three!

I worry about the kids growing up viewing these problems as "just the way life is" and not seeking an alternative, because they've never seen a viable one. It doesn't help that in the weekend paper that a local government employee was quoted as stating that "only 1 in 4 jobs require a college education." Now that's a great message to pass along to these kids!

When faced with such overwhelming problems, how do we know where to even start?

The first thing I do everyday -- even before I step out of bed -- is pick up the book Celtic Daily Prayer, a devotional/prayer guide compiled by the Northumbia Community at Lindisfarne. Today's reading said:

"Lord show us the things that are binding the work
You have called forth on Holy Island.
Help us to loose YOUR work,
and let it go
in resurrection power."

May that be the prayer in my little corner of the world, too.

Doctor Who - Rose

Well, the rumors are true... The premiere episode of the new Doctor Who series, Rose, has been leaked to the internet. I know, because I saw a copy over the weekend. After peeing myself from excitement, I thought I'd jot down my impressions...

The first thing you need to know about the premiere is that Russell T. Davies and company got it right on every single count. It will erase your memory of the Americanized Fox TV movie from 1996 and most of the episodes after Tom Baker left the show. It's still Doctor Who, but bigger. It's shot film-style with great production values and nice special effects. The characters are much better drawn than they ever were on the original series. But it retains the humor and the sense of absurd that made the original show so much fun to watch.

I wasn't sure how Christopher Eccleston was going to pull off the Doctor, but he won me over instantly in the premiere. Witty and very fun to watch -- somewhat like Tom Baker, but not quite as manic. From the moment he appears in the episode he is the Doctor.

There have been some very negative reviews of this episode popping up on the Ain't It Cool News website... All I can say is that some people get Doctor Who and some don't. One reviewer actually said something to the effect of "the show is too damned British!" Also, much has been read into Sci-Fi Channel's passing on the show... I'm going to say that they're going to regret this after the Hitchhiker movie comes out and creates a nice market for quirky British sci-fi...

Don't be mislead... Doctor Who is back!

Don't Just Do Something -- Sit There!

Just when insipid reality shows had almost convinced me to swear off TV forever, comes the news that my two favorite television shows are returing to the air, albeit in very different forms...

Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are scheduled to pop up on the March 14 episode of ESPN Classic's Cheap Seats. It airs at 10 pm. This is their first appearence on TV since MST3K got cancelled in 1999. Here's hoping a revival of the show isn't far away!

Internet rumors abound that the first new episodes of Doctor Who in 16 years are set to premiere on the BBC on March 26. Let's hope that BBC America or Sci-Fi channel get these episodes stateside ASAP!

Quote of the Week: On Being "Real"

This week's quote was a short comment I came across on Sacred Space: "It is harder to live one sermon than to preach a dozen."

Extra! Extra!

The oddest events can inspire a piece of writing. I guess this blog has been living proof of that. Last October, the gang here at Experiment House passed away an idle weekend by taking Enneagram Personality Tests. After confirming to ourselves that we are a rather strange bunch of tabby-cats, Mr.X and I got to joking about how it would be helpful it would be if there were personality tests specifically for church members... We sat down at the iBook and an hour or so later finished the piece "Enneagram Types for Church Members." Almost on a lark we sent it to the satire magazine The Wittenburg Door and were quite surprised to see it accepted. Although I've had hundreds of public relation pieces published over the years, this is the first piece I've written for fun to get published for profit. And it's the first piece of writing Mr. X has written for the general public that didn't involve a magic marker and a bathroom door...

Anyway, if you want to pay for the damaged wit you already get for free everyday in this blog, it appears in the March/April issue of The Wittenburg Door #198. It's carried at trendier stores like Borders, etc.

Serenity

For all the hype Lucasfilm is generating for Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith, I'm still much more looking forward to the modestly-budgeted Serenity... Browncoats rule!

The Key To (Wasting) Time

Well, my daughter and I completed our long-desired goal of the Doctor Who 500, meaning we watched all 26 episodes of the Key to Time DVD boxed set in one weekend. Our reflections?

1. While it is possible to watch that much television in one weekend, it is not recommended!
2. Tom Baker made that series. No matter how pathetic the special effects, no matter how wobbly the sets, no matter how bargain-basement the monsters looked, Baker elevated the show into something special. Good luck, Christopher Eccleston -- you've got your work cut out for you!
3. Fan favorites like The Ribos Operation and The Pirate Planet left us kind of cold.
4. Serials that were considered turkeys like The Androids of Tara rocked. The much-maligned Power of Kroll had us all quite engrossed -- I don't know where they shot it, but it was one of the few locations the series used that was actually believable as an alien planet rather than a quarry in England.
5. The only thing that got us through the plodding six-part Armageddon Factor was our desire to complete the marathon.
6. This is the season that the show began its slide into farce, and it's all the poorer for it. Let's see the Hinchcliffe/Holmes Era in season-by-season boxed sets!

The Doctor Who 500 is not an experiment that we plan on repeating anytime soon -- but then again, I just got a Mystery Science Theater 3000 boxed set yesterday for my birthday, so is anyone up for another marathon?

Quote of the Week

"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." -- musician Lou Reed

One Two Three Day Weekend

As I get older I find that I am having a harder time shaking the winter blues. I just want to feel the sunshine on my skin, the grass under my feet. I want to open the window for some fresh air. Some day I'm going to have to move out to the southwest.

With Lamont heading out of town for a retreat, the kids and I decided to spend our long weekend visiting my mom. No bringing work home, no comparing grad schools online, no agendas... Just a little time devoted to family, rest, and re-creation...

My daughter, H--, and I decided that this weekend was perfect for a pet project of ours we wanted to do for a long time: THE DOCTOR WHO 500. I can't remember how we coined the name, but the gist of it is that we're going to watch the whole 26 episode Key to Time DVD boxed set in one weekend. We've made it up to episode thirteen so far! Hey, it's important for a family to set and attain goals. Even if they're, well, kind of pointless...

I realize that we can't just watch TV all weekend. We discussed the need for alternate activities and chose eating. This isn't a hard activity to engage in at my mom's house. Although my mom is fit, trim and healthy and only shares her house with a cat and my niece who is hardly ever there, her kitchen is stocked as if she's waiting for Y2K and still wants to be able to throw a Superbowl party as the world slips back into the dark ages. We've already had chili, cornbread, peanut butter pie, french toast, sausage, hot wings, pepperoni balls, and cheeseburgers and we've only been here for twenty-four hours.

If this doesn't sound like a very productive use of time, well, it's not meant to be... My new job is going great, but the long commute on icy roads is killing me... I just decided to stop for a few days and chill out.

P.S. Does anyone say "chill out" any more? Or did that go out with Arsenio and no one told me?

Magnetic Personality

Now I've seen everything... On the way drive home from work this evening I passed an injury lawyer who had a magnetic sign stuck to his car. I wonder if F. Lee Bailey ever did that?

It's Sunday

Praise God...

...for the gift of life
...for community
...for revelation!

Treasure of the Broken Land

I was listening to some old music this afternoon that I hadn't heard in ages. I came across Chagall Guevara's cover of Treasure of the Broken Land from the Mark Heard tribute CD. This recording is arguably Chagall's finest moment as a band, but even more than that the words really connected with me:

Treasure Of The Broken Land by Mark Heard

I see you now and then in dreams
Your voice sounds just like it used to
I know you better than I knew you then
All I can say is I love you

I thought our days were commonplace
Thought they would number in millions
Now there's only the aftertaste
Of circumstance that can't pass this way again

Treasure of the broken land
Parched earth, give up your captive ones
Waiting wind of Gabriel
Blow soon upon the hollow bones

I saw the city at its tortured worst
And you were outside the walls there
You were relieved of a lifelong thirst
I was dry at the fountain

I knew that you could see my shame
But you were eyeless and sparing
I awoke when you called my name
I felt the curtain tearing

I can melt the clock hands down
But only in my memory
Nobody gets the second chance
To be the friend they meant to be

I see you now and then in dreams
Your voice sounds just like it used to
I believe I will hear it again
God how I love you

Mission Accomplished!

Well, it took me twenty years, but my collection of Doctor Who is finally complete. Marvel Comics published a comic based on the BBC program when it was at the height of its stateside popularity in the mid-eighties. The comic didn't sell terribly well -- especially after Peter Davison replaced Tom Baker in the strips -- and it folded after a short two-year run. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I had the entire twenty-two issue run in mint condition.

I was browsing a comic price guide a few years later and discovered, much to my dismay, that Marvel had actually produced twenty-three issues. Rats. Over the years I would occasionally check comic shops for the elusive issue twenty-three, but nobody ever carries back issues of Doctor Who.

With the new series reviving my interest in all things Doctor Who, I decided to make an attempt at locating the issue via the internet. You know, before the new series appears and Doctor Who becomes the most popular thing ever, making the price of its collectibles go sky high... (Yeah, right...)

I found the issue on sale at Mile High Comics in Denver. Now, seven dollars poorer and a week later, the collection I began at aged 16 is complete just shy of my 37th birthday. Mission accomplished!

Nerd is the Word

Here's living proof that I am a 37 year-old nerd, based on my Friday evening:

1. Walked around all day with a 256 MB Flash Drive dangling from a lanyard around my neck.
2. Bought polybags at Books Galore in Erie.
3. Ate dinner alone...
4. ...at Bob Evans!
5. Watched my favorite 3 hours of television on BBC America: The Avengers, The Saint, and The Persuaders!
6. Read a Doctor Who graphic novel
7. Arranged my six-year collection of The Wittenburg Door in numerical order.

Looking back, it was a pretty good night!

P.S. I would have posted to the blog, too, but Lamont had the iBook with her.

The Parade of Life

The parade of life
Includes some strife
But isn’t limited to it.

The steps we take
May quiver and shake
But some we strongly make.

Our arms can fly
In our face
Or carry us to a
Better place.

Our feet can stall
And stall and stall
Or move with precision and determination.


The parade of life
Includes some strife
But isn’t limited to it.

(Note: I need to look for the possibilities, unstead of the limitations. Don't listen to the dream stealers!)

The Fourth Estate Continues To Get More Impressive By The Day...

I watched 60 Minutes tonight because comic creator Stan Lee was on. Stan was whining about only making a million dollars a year off of his comic creations. But enough about that. The thing that really struck me was the wording of a question asked by the journalist:

"Do you feel like you got screwed?"

Is it just me or does that seem like a real casual way of speaking by a CBS newsman? Would that question have been worded the same way a few years ago? I doubt it. Here's my timeline of news speak with some speculation of where this increasing casualness will end up:

1985: "Do you feel that Marvel Comics has treated you fairly in regard to royalties owed you?"

2005: "Do you feel like you got screwed?"

2025: "F@ck#n' A! You dere b*tch or sumpin'?"

And I also predict that news anchors in the future will end all newscasts not with a "good night" but by flipping off the camera...

We'll do your taxes, but we don't have that movie.

I went to the ever expanding Wal-Mart the other day to find H&R Block set up in the middle of the jewelry department. I couldn't help but wonder if the ladies working at the counter get a commission off of every person that spends a portion of their instant tax rebate on their vast array of average bling-bling. It's interesting to me that the larger Walmart grows the odder it's services become. Honestly, do you want financial advice from and individual sitting across from you while dazed shoppers pass by the triangle of metal mesh screen that's surrounded by end-caps overflowing with music-boxes on one side and fuzzy slippers on the other?

I'm just as bad as everyone else when it comes to going back to the big W to do my shopping basics. It's cheaper, it's all under one roof, but I recognize that buying my contacts there may be o.k. - but taxes... can you say "audit"?

It could be that all this aggression I'm feeling stems from the fact that the reason I went there, to pick up a DVD, failed while looking through miles of white, metal shelves and blue vested workers.

I caught the flick "City of Angels" on cable the other night when I had drank too much coffee too close to bedtime, and yes - I cried through the last twenty minutes of it. To be honest, I cried myself to sleep over the "saddest-ending-in-the-world!" That was a good flick. I wanted to watch it again. Maybe part of me wanted to make sure I hadn't gotten it wrong. Naw. I just wanted the emotional roller-coaster to call my own.

The guy behind the electronics counter said, "It's to old of a movie. We don't have it. Check at the mall or online. They'll have it there, I'm sure."

Ok, back up.

Comment 1:"It's to old of a movie."
First, "City of Angels" was made in 1998 - is that old? If you guys only carry films that are "New" then why is there a bin of old Abbot and Costello cut-outs sitting at the entrance of Electronics?

Comment 2: "We don't have it."
I don't think I've ever heard this one before. Walmart doesn't have everything. Really? I've been taking the "one stop shopping" line too seriously. Listen to me now world. Walmart doesn't sell everything there is to sell. What a revolution there would be if this secret gets out.

Comment 3: "Check at the mall or online. They'll have it there, I'm sure."
First, my item was too old. Second, they didn't have it. Now for the most astounding experience I've had while bargain shopping (besides being magically drawn to the clearance section of Kmart that was illuminated by a blue flashing light.)
I was told to buy it somewhere else.

Somewhere else? Mall, Internet...really? I knew that, but it just seemed so scary but freeing knowing that, I could look elsewhere for my DVD and the guy at Walmart had given me his blessing to go on with my crusade. I could go out the door, back to the comforts of my own home and the endless opportunities awaiting on the sea of internet shopping; or over to my local movie store - where the staff wears some kind of color coordinated identity wear - but there the color won't be blue.

I still haven't picked up my DVD. I think I may wait a while to see if I really liked it as much as I thought I did, before I take my entertainment crusade any further. That may be a good thing for me to remember the next time I go shopping at the big W. If they didn't have all those things I dump into my cart every week or so - would I buy them elsewhere, or would I live my life without them without any real difficulty? I know that it's a necessity to buy stuff like: toilet paper, shampoo, and dryer sheets; but all the things I think I need? Do I really? I think that I need to think more about this one.

As for H&R Block setting up in the middle of the big W, I think that is one department I'll avoid. There are some situations in life that you need to got to a specialized merchant, in order to receive the best service. You may see me digging through a discount bin for an "old" movie, but you won't see me cashing in my refund at a jewelry counter. Taxes are taxes, and there are no blue light specials or clearance sections in my accountants office.

A World of Bill Cullens

Andy Warhol once said, "In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." Well, my friend, the future is now. I channel surf around E! and VH1 and constantly ask myself, who in the world are all these people? Perhaps the excess of reality TV shows is resulting in a glut of instant celebrities... And it's not like we were really in need of any more. Did you know that it just occurred to me today that Karen Valentine and Sally Field are two entirely different people? Too many celebs competing for too little attention span...

Born with an mp3 player in his hand...

N--, my eight year-old son, is in a play his elementary school is doing about John Henry. We've been practicing his lines every night for the last two weeks. The other night I started singing John Henry and he was amazed to find out that there was a song "about his play." We went up on the 'net tonight to record a version he could play for his class. I let him pick from a variety of recordings and he liked the Johnny Cash version best. Say what you like, the boy's got taste...

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Regarding all the tsunami coverage in the news... Can it truly be that both Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, self-appointed PR hacks for God, managed to make it through the media blitz without once making any insensitive, offensive, or just plain dumb statements that they had to retract later? This truly is a miracle!

The Wittenburg Door

Can religion and humor co-exist? You betcha. Open The Wittenburg Door and wait to be smited.

Happy Anniversary

It has been exactly one year since the residents of Experiment House began this blog. We originally questioned if we had enough to say to actually maintain a blog, but here we are over 100,000 words later with no signs of stopping. So I thought it would be appropriate to take a look at where we've been with gratitude, and it is in that spirit that I present my own version of the Academy Awards -- The Bloscars...

MR. X'S BEST POSTING OF 2004: MORNING AT THE DMV
I was initially perplexed when Mr. X approached me about contributing to the blog, because he never mentioned that he was interested in writing in the ten years that I've known him. He quickly established himself as the most consistently humorous writer at Experiment House. He's funniest when he writes about the comedy of daily life and I think he was at his best with Morning at the DMV.

LAMONT'S BEST POSTING OF 2004: THE GIRL BEHIND THE SCREEN DOOR
This is the girl that kind of bucks the whole system and prefers poetry and heartfelt observations on life rather than the silliness than the rest of us spew out on a regular basis. And we love her for it. The Girl Behind The Screen Door is a fine piece of writing. This piece should be submitted for publication somewhere!

MISTEROBLIVIOUS' BEST POSTING OF 2004: TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT GEN-NEXT SERVICES
This guy is the pop culture king of Experiment House and I love his in-depth musings about music, television, and even cereal. I had a heck of a time singling out a favorite column, so I chose his top ten list for purely sentimental reasons: it was a laugh-out loud bit from an otherwise somber occasion...

OTHER BLOGGERS WHO WOULD MOST FIT INTO EXPERIMENT HOUSE:
TIE Michael Tyas of Life's a Journey and Sada of From The Mind of Sada. These guys are really on our wavelength, and I hope they take that as a compliment! Two high-quality blogs that are worth checking out on a regular basis! Both of them are from Ontario, too. Weird.

STRANGEST MOMENT OF 2004
Being contacted by the producers of ESPN's Cheap Seats after reading a glowing review of their show in this very blog.

NEATEST BYPRODUCT OF WRITING A BLOG
The improvement of writing skills that only happens by pluggin' away at a keyboard on a regular basis.

Well, that's it for the 2005 Bloscars. (Or is that 2004? I can never remember how those award things work.) 2004 was a year of extreme crisis, change and transition for me and I don't think I would have made it without the support of my friends at Experiment House and an outlet like the blog to express how I was feeling. Here's to 100,000 more words in 2005!

Remake Remodel

Is there a law that says Hollywood must remake everything?

The latest victim -- er property -- is The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

My tone probably suggests to you that I don't have high hopes for this project. You would be correct in that assumption.

Check out this quote by the director, Matthew Vaughn: "I've always wanted to make a spy movie, and our idea is like nothing you've ever seen before. The name is the only thing that's staying from the original show."

Is it just me or does it seem silly to make a movie based solely on the title of a 40 year-old TV show? I guess the studio could argue that the new project would have some name recognition, but honestly, U.N.C.L.E. isn't exactly one of syndication's great success stories. It just seems like this is a formula for failure -- give the movie a name that makes the uninitiated say huh? and a plot so removed from the original that you piss off its fans, i.e., the very people who would have been the first people in line on opening day.

MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD:

I would like to pitch a movie idea called THE DONNA REED SHOW. Donna Reed will not be in it, and that's not just because she died in 1986. No, it's rather because I envision the lead character played by a male albino midget. Oh yeah, and rather than being about the silly hijinx of a suburban family, THE DONNA REED SHOW -- THE MOTION PICTURE will instead be an erotic thriller set amidst the exciting backdrop of a round-the-world yacht race. I could really use the money, so please send me a movie contract.

Peace,
I.F.

P.S. Wait until you hear my treatment for I LOVE LUCY! (Hint: There isn't anyone in the cast with red hair!)

Dreams

I have a rather lengthy drive to work everyday, so I've quickly learned that audio books are the commuter's best friend. I recently listened to (and enjoyed) Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore. One thing I noticed about the book was that he would cite again and again his patients' dreams and provide analysis. This got me thinking: who really dreams like that? I mean, I dream once in a great while, and they usually turn out to just be crazy stuff like my Star Wars post a few days ago. I certainly never dream with the kind of detail and clarity that would allow someone like Mr. Moore to interpret it through Freudian Analysis or Archetypal Criticism.

Until I finished the book. Now I dream all the time. Here's my latest:

Lamont and I are working together in full-time ministry again. We're working at a huge megachurch that is a cross between Willow Creek, Oral Roberts University, and the 1964 New York World's Fair. It is our first day and a coworker is showing us around the sprawling campus. Every once in awhile he brings us into a room to meet our fellow pastors. These people all tend to come off like televangelists: big smiles, big hair and big ministries. In fact, their chapels tend to look a lot like TV studios. I remind myself to not judge by appearances -- that after all, the success of these people is undeniable by the number of people in attendance.

Our tour guide also takes us by other rooms that tend to have smaller-type ministries -- mainly liturgical-type stuff without as many people. This looks really interesting to me, but our tour guide isn't interested in introducing us. I'm also somewhat disturbed that all of these "ministries" are all church-related activities with nary a food pantry or practical help to be found. I mention this to my coworker, but he isn't interested in talking about it.

Finally, he takes us to the back yard of the church. It is a big field with old playground equipment. He tells us that our emerging church-type ministry is across the field and over the hill. My wife and I cross the field when we are pounced upon by lions and dinosaurs! We manage to tip over the sliding board, killing the t-rex that it falls on. We're exhausted, but we can't rest because the growling lions are approaching....

Gee, I don't have any issues, do I?

Malfunction at the Junction

Well, it happened again... Yet another entertainment personality has had her boobs flop out in public. This time it was supermodel Naomi Campbell in Brazil. A few weeks ago it was alleged-actress Tara Reid, who gave photographers a unexpected peek at her (new improved) left boob. Just two recent examples of the wardrobe malfunction, a problem that is reaching gigantic proportions. No pun intended.

It's hard to believe that less than a year ago no one had ever heard the words wardrobe malfunction, let alone witnessed one. That all changed when 140 million television viewers watching Janet Jackson's Superbowl half-time show discovered just how chilly it was that night at the Houston Astrodome.

The thing that amazes me is that these malfunctions are continually happening to people who are beautiful as their chosen profession, just as some people flip burgers or fix cars as their profession. In other words, it is their job to be beautiful, and I assume that knowing how to wear clothes would at least be one of the branches in their knowledge tree. The reason I mention this is that I don't pay too much attention to what I'm wearing, and in all my 37 years my wardrobe has functioned just as it was intended. Sure, I've had the occasional open fly, but if that's usually my fault. Anyway, if my sale-rack Wal-Mart togs maintain my modesty on a regular basis, what's going on with these designer clothes? I assume that famous people's clothes are expensive and therefore of a very high quality. Perhaps the Beautiful People Union could go on strike until they could be assured by fashion designers that their clothes would be produced to a certain structural integrity. There could be sort of an ISO-9000 certification for the bustline...

The Wardrobe Malfunction. Some people say that it is the most perplexing problem facing modern man. Other people say it's the greatest blessing since the push-up bra. One thing's for certain: Scientists need to come up with a solution now, before the epidemic spreads to the general public. Have you seen some of those lard asses hovering around the sales racks at Wal-Mart lately?

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

I had a dream last evening that I attended a preview screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith in a grand old-fashioned cinema. I sat with S--, a childhood friend who now works in Hollywood, and misteroblivious, who doesn't. I remember saying "I can't believe I scored tickets to this," as the lights dimmed and the thick red velvet curtains parted, ala Moulin Rouge.

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH
(as dreamed by I.F.)

It quickly became apparent that this final installment of the Star Wars saga was going to be a low-budget affair: immediately after the text crawl at the beginning of the movie, the camera pans down to a starcruiser passing by. It is not computer generated -- it's obviously a plastic and cardboard model that lerches across the screen in a way that would make fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 proud. The audience greets this with laughter.

The camera zooms into the spaceship revealing dozens of storm troopers guarding a prison cell block. This looks half ways impressive until a stormtrooper falls over right before the shot cuts away, revealing that all the troopers are in reality vintage 1970s Kenner action figures. I gasp.

The movie cuts to the interior of the prison cell where all the good guys are being held captive. This is composed of the whole cast of all the Star Wars movies past and present, just like the cover of Vanity Fair, except everyone is in costume. Alec Guiness is there as BEN KENOBI, even though he's dead. He's standing right next to Ewan McGregor. JAR-JAR launches into one of his infantile comedy routines, and HAN SOLO (wearing the same costume from the original Star Wars) has had enough:

HAN: Shut your trap or I'll shut it for you!

LANDO CALRISSIAN (dressed in his cloud city clothes) tries to intervene.

LANDO: Hold on Han! Fighting amongst ourselves won't accomplish anything at a time like this!

HAN: I'll decide what I want to accomplish, you bitch!

HAN SOLO fires his laser blaster point blank into JAR-JAR's face. Blood and tripe sprays everywhere, as if this was the first Star Wars movie directed by George Romero.

There is silence in the movie theatre, except for the sound of a few children sobbing. I stand to my feet and begin clapping... It is a loud, defiant self-righteous clap that wouldn't be out of place in the soundtrack of a socially relevant sitcom like Good Times or Maude. I am eventually joined by two or three other people. But our claps suddenly stop when we see the action on screen: the goo that was once JAR-JAR's head melts away to reveal that JAR-JAR is really A ROBOT..!

And then I awake to the sound of Morning Edition on my clock radio.

THE END

This movie truly was DYNAMITE...

Rented Napoleon Dynamite the other night. It was pretty much the funniest movie ever, to infinity. Go rent it now, gosh!

That's Na Cho Cheese

Mr. X and his new girlfriend came over last night to watch a movie. We had even picked out what we were going to watch: The MST3K Essentials DVD. But we never got that far, because we heard the sweet siren's song of -- THE NACHO.

Step One: Go to the grocery store and blow a ton of money on nachos, Mexican cheese, sour cream, salsa, taco seasoning and ground beef.

Step Two: In the oven, melt the whole bag of cheese overtop the nachos.

Step Three: Cook the ground beef with the taco seasoning on the grill. (Mr. X and I managed to make this step last two and a half hours.)

Step Four: Pour the salsa over the cheesy chips, pour the sour cream over the salsa, and pour the ground beef over the whole thing. Be careful not to slobber on it.

Step Five: Everyone eat off the same pan. Don't stop eating until everyone is grotesquely overstuffed.

Step Six: Look at the clock to discover that it is now 10 pm. (We began this adventure at 7 pm.) Agree to skip the DVD.

These nachos were so good I felt like I had a hangover later. And then the next day -- Montezuma’s revenge. Today at work I finished using the bathroom minutes before my 11 am appointment showed up. As bad karma would have it, she had to use the restroom before we started. She came back a couple of minutes later concerned that there was a "heavy natural gas smell" in the back of the house. I told her that I would get the landlord right on it...

Now that's the measure of some good nachos!

Ug-Ug-Ug-Ug-Ug

I know that I've wasted too much of my life watching television when I read the following news headline:

OLIVE OIL MAY PROTECT AGAINST BREAST CANCER

And the first image that popped into my mind was:

Sunday School, Sledding and Birthday cake.

What a fun day! It was a great day at church. I had a nice group for Sunday School. Although we did have a minor toenail injury while playing "Do You Love Your Neighbor?" After a couple of Band-Aids and a time out from some over zealous players, it all worked out alright.

Almost the whole back row of church was teens today, so refreshing after the expected holiday absence over Christmas and New Years. That's a good start for the new year.

Worship was good, the message was challenging, and the chili and cornbread we ate for lunch (that I made!) was really good after sitting a day to cure.

I had no idea how large the hill was (that some new friends from the church suggested we so sledding on); until I climbed to the top and felt like I was the next contestant on Fear Factor. I am proud to say - I overcame the mountain, or hill, rather. Up and down I went spinning out on foam sleds finished with slippery plastic. Honestly, I think I spent more time climbing and spinning than I did flying down the hill like the red baron. But, it was a blast - and it was free!

After all that, I was able to get together with family for a combined B-Day party for my Mom-in-law and myself. It was the best: chicken enchiladas, angel food cake, presents with my family.

It was a very busy day, and I think I'm going to feel all the hill climbing in morning; but it was a hill top day. I was able to experience so much in this day. Time with my family, church and God. It was the best birthday!

Meeza Thinks You Already Have

Film maker George Lucas has announced that after the release of his next Star Wars installment he's "...going to make movies nobody wants to see."

Didn't he already accomplish that goal with The Phantom Menace?

Eww - Ee - Ewwww - Weeee - Ewwww

That was my text-based imitation of the Doctor Who theme, by the way! The series is coming back after a sixteen-year absence and I can't wait! (Then again, maybe I'll have to wait because there haven't been any announcements yet regarding US distribution!)

Here's a cool pic I came across on the net:

Cool. A new sonic screwdriver. That emits light. ;)

Snow Day is a Go Day!

My clock radio woke me up this morning to the news that virtually every school in the county is closed due to a crusty layer of ice that is covering, well, pretty much everything. Picture our county as a giant ice cream cone. Picture ice as that special dip Dairy Queen will put on for you. That's the picture.

So I've taken a personal day, rather than risk the commute. So instead of planning sessions, forms, and curriculum my day will be snowblower, salt, and shoveling. I may even sneak down to the barber (if he's open) for a long overdue haircut and a shave. It's Lamont's birthday, too! So hopefully the weather won't put too much of a damper on her party plans...

Groking in a Winter Blunderland

In the vast wasteland that we locals refer to as "Chautauqua Whine Country" we haven't had much of a winter yet. But I have already managed to drive the Matrix into a ditch twice so far. This morning I was only going about twenty miles an hour and the car slid into a ditch, almost sideways. Luckily, the car escaped without a scratch. After all, it just landed in a big pile of snow...

After work, I hopped in the car for my fifty-minute commute home and noticed that the steering wheel was really shaking when I went above 30 mph. So I took it straight to the garage to make a service appointment. The nice guy at the counter told me that snow or mud packed around the wheels could be what was causing the shaking, and I might as well go to the car wash and try an undercarriage wash first. Problem solved. Turns out that was the problem. And it only cost me $5 at the car wash versus $43/hr that the garage would have run me. Who says that there aren't any honest mechanics?

Local radio is bracing us for a wicked winter storm this evening. Said it before, will say it again: I gotta be insane to live in Western New York!

Cheap Seats Getting Cancelled? Not If I.F. Can Help It!

I admit it. I'm the black widow of TV viewers. It seems that whatever TV show interests me the most at the beginning of the fall season is usually history by January. Freaks and Geeks, Firefly -- gone, all gone. In a previous post back in September I gave my picks for my two favorite shows of the year: Drew Carey's Green Screen Show and Cheap Seats. Well, it's December and Drew is long gone and it looks like the Sklar Brothers might be the next casualty. I got this letter the other day from Jason Z. Weber, one of the producers of Cheap Seats:

"We just read your blog, now that Drew's show is gone we here at Cheap Seats are awaiting word on the canceling of our show.  Thanks for cursing us.  Actually ESPN Classic has been threatening to tinker with the format which would mean less commentary on old games and more studio stuff (possibly with an audience).  Like you, we enjoy the show in its current format.  Finding glowing posts about Cheap Seats on blogs like yours will help give us ammo to blow away the suits and keep the show the way it is."

I'm simply amazed that a show this funny hasn't the backing of its network, because Cheap Seats is one of the most original and funniest programs on television today. I came across the program by accident a few months ago and have hardly missed an episode since. Everyone at Experiment House watches, too. Lamont and I grew up in the generation where the Wide World of Sports was mandatory viewing, so it's hilarious to hear the Sklar's commentary over the video footage of those long ago Sunday afternoons. (I personally dream of the day they get ahold of the video of Evel Knievel's Snake River Canyon fiasco.)

It's somewhat remarkable that my favorite program of the year airs on ESPN Classic, because in twenty years of having cable television I have never watched any programming on any ESPN network before, even for five minutes. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the first time I watched Cheap Seats I had to consult my cable guide to see what channel 69 was! And I suspect that there are a lot of other viewers like me.

If you're a fan of the show you'd better drop the suits at ESPN a line before it's too late. If you've never seen Cheap Seats, check out their website, tune into ESPN Classic and then let the network know what you think!

Here's hoping that Cheap Seats will have a long life on cable TV and that it may even be released on DVD someday!

Twas The Night Before Christmas

The other day my daughter and I sat down as she had to rewrite a new version of "Twas the night before Christmas".
After about 30 minutes of our collaborating - we came up with what follows. So much of my time I hope that my children understand the importance of giving to others... and I think that my daughter really gets it after working on this poem together. Merry Christmas to all and peace on Earth! -- LAMONT

The Night Before Christmas
by
Heather and Mom

Twas’ the night before Christmas, no movement inside.
The bells had stopped ringing, the kettles filled high.
The vans were parked and covered with snow,
empty of toys, from tip-top to low.
The workers had ceased from their scatter and scurry,
to spend time with their families and eat lots of turkey.
The pastors so weary, delirious and drained,
fell asleep on their sofas dreaming about all that was arranged.
Gathering wealth to give to the poor,
spending morning to night at the 24/7 Corps.
From hanging the greens and putting up trees,
preparing Christmas dinner and singing on Christmas Eve.
So many people came through the doors, receiving what they need – but giving much more.
Everyone is welcome, no matter his or her place,
to become part of a family held together by grace.
The work, for now, has been completed,
until the next time our help is needed.
Heart to God and hand to man,
if anyone can help make Christmas, the Salvation Army can.

One month in puzzles

It will be our fourth Sunday at the new Church tomorrow. This month has been an enigma to me. Yes, I actually used the word enigma. How about puzzle, or something of the like. I don't know if you like puzzles, but maybe you can relate to the feelings associated with cleaning off the cluttered kitchen table, bringing the 1000 piece puzzle out of the closet ( or the blue wal-mart bag you just carried into the house.), opening the cardboard box with a butter knife, prying the box open hoping not to mess up the picture lid, and dumping the pieces out - flipping them over -trying to find all the edge pieces.

Yup. This is the enigma of my new life: Excitement, fear, idealism, skepticism, confidence, being unsure, chasing ghosts of the past, imagining the possibility of the future. This is my enigmatic, puzzle life.

This month I have:

Said good-bye to the people that were the closest to me.
Said hello to some of the old and to many of the new people in my life.
Watched my family grieve over many losses,
but laugh together in many happy gains.
Been hurt by my expectations of a few.
Been encouraged by the love and faith others have in me.
Forgotten some the the short-cuts on my old pick-up routes.
Learned the new pick up route and when to drive past the schools ( and when not to.)
Felt totally out-of-place in my old home town.
Felt totally at-home in my old home town.
Prayed for all of my old friends and coworkers.
Prayed with some of the youth and members of the new church and learned how I can begin to pray for my coworkers.
Grieved over the loss of a ministry, the anniversary of my Grandpap and Annie (my old band-mate) deaths.
Rejoiced with others in the new ministry at a community Thanksgiving Dinner, laughed with my son on his 8th birthday and been blessed by the time I now have to spend with my husband, daughter and son.

It's been a busy month.

Open my eyes to the beauty around me, loosen my joy and allow it to come out in my voice so that it can make every jig-sawed corner fit in the way and time it is intended. This puzzle doesn't need to be completed today - I need to allow
God to help me look for the hope in all circumstances, and not allow the scars of the past to keep me from enjoying each piece of the puzzle.

Concentration Cramp

So Mr. X and I are going to have a piece published in a magazine with national circulation. It's weird to think in a couple of months that people will check their mailboxes or walk out of their neighborhood Borders or Barnes and Noble and read our article in The Door Magazine. If that isn't enough, we'll also get a check from the publisher.

Thousands of people reading our work.

An editor liking what we wrote so much that he's going to pay us cash money for it.

You gotta admit -- those are two pretty damn good incentives to write.

So how come I've sat at the keyboard all afternoon and haven't been able to come up with one simple blog post?

We got in THE DOOR!!!

Never let it be said that blogging is an idle waste of time. It's a great way to keep in the habit of writing and to hone your skills. Mr. X and I recently put our creativity to good use and came up with "Enneagram Personality Types For Churches", a satire piece that has been accepted for publication in The Door Magazine! We get paid and everything! The Door has been around since 1971 and bills itself as "the world's pretty much only religious satire magazine." I've been a fan since 1986, when it's no-holds-barred humor about the church blew my eighteen year-old mind!

I wonder if Gilbert and Sullivan started this way?

Welcome to Town

I set up the office for my after school program this week. It's really been a big help to actually be on site in the village -- I'm getting to know a lot of people and find out a lot of helpful things I need to know to make the program successful. The downside of moving in this week was that it didn't leave me enough time to complete a presentation I need to make this Monday morning. So I found myself working today -- Saturday -- to get it done. My daughter, H--, came along with me because she wanted to scope out the village and see my office. I got the presentation done in plenty of time and ended the day narrating the Christmas musical for the village choir. Well, if I had to work a Saturday, at least it was a productive and pleasant one!

And You Thought Scary Movies Only Came Out At Halloween...

Everyone's talking about Saw, which is suppossed to be really scary. But I think I just caught a few minutes of the most horrifying thing ever on the Family Channel of all places: a computer generated sequel to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

MEMO TO HOLLYWOOD: HANDS OFF MY CHILDHOOD!

Quote of the Week: Happily Ever After

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -- Carl Bard

It's the Bomb

Unos, dos, tres, catorce!

And I ain't talking about Wooly Booly.

I got a nice surprise in my mailbox today -- the latest U2 album, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. I've been a big fan of this band since junior high school when my cool mom bought me Boy, October, and War for Christmas -- maybe the same year I got a Sony Walkman! In fact, Lamont and I went on our first date to a screening of Rattle and Hum sixteen years ago this month!

I've been eagerly looking forward to listening to the new album since first hearing the frenetic single, Vertigo. I'm a huge fan of their last album, All That You Can't Leave Behind, and it's doubtful that more than a week has gone by since 2000 that I haven't listened to it. How could U2 possibly equal that effort?

The simple fact is that they didn't equal it, they surpassed it. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb may actually be the best thing the Irish band has done since 1983's War, no faint praise. The electronica of the last few albums has been traded in for big, punchy songs with classic Edge guitar riffs. Standout tracks among some stiff competition include:

• Vertigo, which everyone has heard by now


• Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own


• Love and Peace or Else, which finds U2 in garage-band mode


• All Because of You, which sounds like it could have been on Achtung Baby


• A Man and A Woman

Who would have ever thought a band I listened to in junior high would still be making relevant music a quarter of a century later? How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb will no doubt be one of my favorite albums for some time to come!